— Dexter stands on the roof of a building. On the edge of the roof, toes just barely hanging over the edge. Dexter holds his arms out. As if to balance himself. The wind whips and whirls around him, blowing his slightly over-sized shirt in the breeze. He puts his right hand to his heart. Someone grabs Dexter by his shirt and pulls him backwards. Harry, Dexter’s adoptive father. “Dexter! What the hell do you think you were doing up there!?” Harry yells frightened and angry. “I… I don’t know.” Dexter replies. “Well whatever it is, killing yourself is not the answer.” Dexter looks confused, replying, “What? I don’t want to kill myself. Dad, I’m just trying to find a way to feel alive.”–
That scene is from an episode of the first season on the Showtime series, “Dexter”. (Find out about it. One of my favorite shows.)
I feel dead and bored. Or “miserable and old” (You can count on me to quote lyrics. By the way, that one was from “Number Five With a Bullet” by Taking Back Sunday.) Music is my only true love and escape. I can spend my money on things I will regret. Read a good book or two. I can rant and blog! I can friggen’ complain. The worst, I can attend that torture chamber we call school. The last day of Spring Break I spent my day pacing, hoping to get sick, and attempting to convince my parents to let me play hookey. You have no idea how much I loathe school and despise every assignment that is given to me! I have barely experienced any school compared to most people and already I want to break free of it. I feel out of place with all those… other kids. Excuse me if I’m being rude, but they don’t seem to be anything like me! Every held in feeling results to my, as Cyd Charrise from the book “Gingerbread” would put it, minor “meltdown incidents” over small frustrations at home. Each time someone asks me, “Are you okay?” at school. As casually as I can, I reply, “Yes.” or “Yeah.” Which really means: NO! What do you think you moron! I’m stuck here with you! I have to go back to effing school the next day! Should I recite you the song “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)” by My Chemical Romance? (Trust me, I know all of the lyrics.)
After a while I got to thinking. I can’t do this. I’m bored into insanity here and I want to enjoy the things that I love. And if I don’t like school someone should at the least try and make it tolerable. Waiting for the next concert to stall me from my dreamer and hate thoughts. Only to make me truely enjoy myself in those moments that slip away so quickly. To pretend as if my life is interesting. Excuse me for thinking so negatively but I must have A.D.D. or something! (I swear, this has to be my only post with this many exclamation points.) I guess music is in fact one of the few things I live for.
Until my next blog rant.
Love and hate brewing inside my body,