Let The Music Flow Through Your Veins

March 25, 2009

— Dexter stands on the roof of a building. On the edge of the roof, toes just barely hanging over the edge. Dexter holds his arms out. As if to balance himself. The wind whips and whirls around him, blowing his slightly over-sized shirt in the breeze. He puts his right hand to his heart. Someone grabs Dexter by his shirt and pulls him backwards. Harry, Dexter’s adoptive father. “Dexter! What the hell do you think you were doing up there!?” Harry yells frightened and angry. “I… I don’t know.” Dexter replies. “Well whatever it is, killing yourself is not the answer.” Dexter looks confused, replying, “What? I don’t want to kill myself. Dad, I’m just trying to find a way to feel alive.”–

That scene is from an episode of the first season on the Showtime series, “Dexter”. (Find out about it. One of my favorite shows.)

I feel dead and bored. Or “miserable and old” (You can count on me to quote lyrics. By the way, that one was from “Number Five With a Bullet” by Taking Back Sunday.) Music is my only true love and escape. I can spend my money on things I will regret. Read a good book or two. I can rant and blog!  I can friggen’ complain. The worst, I can attend that torture chamber we call school. The last day of Spring Break I spent my day pacing, hoping to get sick, and attempting to convince my parents to let me play hookey. You have no idea how much I loathe school and despise every assignment that is given to me! I have barely experienced any school compared to most people and already I want to break free of it. I feel out of place with all those… other kids. Excuse me if I’m being rude, but they don’t seem to be anything like me! Every held in feeling results to my, as Cyd Charrise from the book “Gingerbread” would put it, minor “meltdown incidents” over small frustrations at home. Each time someone asks me, “Are you okay?” at school. As casually as I can, I reply, “Yes.” or “Yeah.” Which really means: NO! What do you think you moron! I’m stuck here with you! I have to go back to effing school the next day! Should I recite you the song “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)” by My Chemical Romance? (Trust me, I know all of the lyrics.)

After a while I got to thinking. I can’t do this. I’m bored into insanity here and I want to enjoy the things that I love. And if I don’t like school someone should at the least try and make it tolerable. Waiting for the next concert to stall me from my dreamer and hate thoughts. Only to make me truely enjoy myself in those moments  that slip away so quickly. To pretend as if my life is interesting. Excuse me for thinking so negatively but I must have A.D.D. or something! (I swear, this has to be my only post with this many exclamation points.) I guess music is in fact one of the few things I live for.

Until my next blog rant.

Love and hate brewing inside my body,


Why, Hello Again Mr. Eli Cullen!

March 16, 2009

Today must have made up for my bad day on Friday because shopping usually makes things a whole lot better for me! It seems like forever since I last spoke of the place I like to call Hot Topic. Well Reader, after a month or so I made a trip to buy an awesome Emily The Strange T-shirt I’ve had in mind for too long.

I walk into a vacant store. I suppose I shouldn’t say vacant because there were definitely more people there rather than the last time I stopped by. Which happened to be on Super Bowl Sunday, so what did I expect? Unfortunately I missed my curly haired, always friendly David. Though I saw Eli *wink, wink*. Strangely I felt calm browsing the wall of T-shirts. Play it cool Phoenixx. We don’t want to act as if we have a major crush on Eli, because we DO NOT. I repeat DO NOT.– Yesssss! They still have the Emily tee! (It was the “I might be odd, but I always get even” design with a picture of Emily holding a sling shot. The one that made the picture look like a comic strip.) I grabbed at the shirt and held it close to my torso, measuring it to myself. I have a big thing about a shirt being too tight if it shrinks. Well the shirt isn’t usually very tight, I just feel strange or awkward wearing it. “What do you think?” I ask my mother. “I think it’s a little too small. Are there any bigger sizes?” she replies. I look over at the rack of T-shirts again knowing I won’t find a larger size, but making sure. “Nope. They are all small.” Hmph. The small is 100% cotton and looks like it would shrink, yet I still carry it around the store. Looking at music is not a “yes or no” option for me. Whenever I go to a store that will in fact have a music selection, whether it is overwhelmingly large or teeny with only mainstream artists, I browse it. Making my rounds over to the selection. Fingers crossed that maybe they’ll have The Maine’s “Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop” record in stock I was let down. After a couple minutes I think I was just wasting my time “looking” at albums to pass the time. For me going shopping means taking time. I hate to feel rushed without savoring ten to twenty minutes in a store (unless you dislike the store of course).

Pacing by the other selection of tees that had band names printed all across them. I spot a Kings Of Leon T-shirt that has a photo of the band on the front of it and gasp. I motion for my mother to walk over and admire the beauty of a T-shirt that is before our eyes. “He’s the cutest.” I point to Jared Followill. Eli walks near me. Eli walks right dead in front of me. I try not to stare up into his gorgeous eyes and long, golden pale, eyelashes *giggles*. “You doin’ alright?” he asks. Arrgh!! Why must every employee ask that exact same question?!?! Isn’t there a variation of the phrase? “Erm, yeah.” I reply. Yayy! I didn’t choke this time! Nor did I blush. Point for Nixie! “Okay.” “Actually, do you have this Emily The Strange shirt in any larger sizes then what is over there?” I ask, holding  up the T-shirt. “Hmm… lemme check in the back.” Once Eli is back he says to me, “Sorry, we didn’t have any in the back so what ever is over there on the shelf is all we have left. Once something is gone, we usually never see it again.” I speak, “Ouch.” “Yeah, sorry ’bout that.” Eli replies. Eli struts away in his skinny jeans. I twirl around, facing my mom and give way a smile. A few more minutes go by. I comment on things (Such as a cute Gloomy Bear pillow I adore.) I cannot remember, look at hair accessories, and make fun of weird feather looking stick on “eyeshadow”. I noticed Eli trailing behind me once or twice (Not directly behind me or anything bad-feeling-creepy.)  and I’m pretty sure I am not mistaken.

To wrap it up I ended up purchasing the Emily tee that I wanted and found one in a size medium. Another point for Nixie. An Emily The Strange wallet because it was on sale for eight dollars and was once eighteen. So I thought, What the heck? And five strings of Zotz.

Walking back out of Hot Topic I wait a minute or two and comment to my mother as usual, “Eli was following me.” Said with a kind-of-creeped-out-yet-charmed smile. “I know!” she replied. Eli is the kind of guy who makes you blush or your heart thump wildly when near him. (I guess I’m more like Bella Swan then I thought.) Then he can totally pull of that annoying thing where he will slightly jerk his head to the side to brush the hair out of his eyes. And yes, he has really nice hair. Bonus!!

I walked around the rest of mall with my mother looking at her favorite shoe stores and admiring those strappy five or six inch platform heels. She wanted a cool T-shirt so we looked through the store Buckle. I danced and sang to The Academy Is’… “About a Girl” OUT LOUD as it played.  Not giving a care what those yuppies thought. Just kidding! I mean, other shoppers. As a treat, my wonderful mom, who is practically my best friend, bought me a super rad belt with bottle caps on it!

Driving back home I asked my mother, “Why me? I mean, I’m not that ‘cute’. Besides, don’t I look kinda young [for him]?” To this she replied, “You’re pretty and you look older than you are.” I shrug my shoulders and tell myself not bother asking this question anymore.

Who Watches The Watchmen?

March 11, 2009


Who watches the Watchmen?

I did. Though I missed the premiere on Friday, I made it to a matinee show Sunday afternoon. –I usually loathe Sundays, I find them miserable. Knowing that another week of school starts the very next day. Back to the movie.– I am a superhero movie geek. I’ve seen every Spider Man movie, most of the X-Men films, Electra, Dare Devil, Superman Returns, Batman Begins , Batman: Dark Knight, (In fact, when I was around five and seven, I used to watch the “Batman Beyond” series. For for Christmas last year, one of the gifts I received was the first PG-13 Batman cartoon movie! “Batman: Gotham Knight”.) Iron Man, Hellboy, Hellboy II: The Golden Army, and Wanted. Though I am yet to see “Push” and interested in the new “Wolverine” movie they have in store for us later this year!

Fresh out of reading the graphic novel I remembered just about everything. Seeing scenes from the movie and the book collaborate together. The special effects made certain things stand out, the most noticeable being their costumes. The patterns and nutural matalic colors on Nite Owl and Ozymandias suits were simply neat. Doctor Manhattan’s glow of energy was almost a soft neon blue in a way. It made me think the things he’d touch would feel a slight electric shock. The actors and actresses looked almost exactly alike to their characters in the book. Malin Åkerman was the perfect woman to play the Silk Spectre. Although her costume was revealing, I loved the patent shine. Rorschach was my favorite character and still remains my favorite character. I found that I became addcited his edge, his merciless personality, and his black and white shape changing mask. The quote that I can remember most of Rorschach’s is also my favorite. “All the whores and politicians will look up and shout, ‘Save us!’… and I will whisper, ‘No.'” The film production of “Watchmen” stayed true to the book down to certain quotes from the characters, but minor scenes were rearranged and taken out. Most importantly, the ending was changed. I do miss the newspaper stand parts which would include another comic that vaguely relates to the some of the plot.

Watchmen opens up with small bits of the past. Shots of the original Watchmen. Pictures being taken. The actual move begins with The Comedian’s death. His death was precise and the track that was playing during that scene was Nat King Cole’s “Unforgettable” made it seem elegant in a twisted way. The Comedian put up a pretty good fight before he was thrown out a window. Though what do you expect? He’s six foot two and more than two hundred pounds of muscle. The movie basicly revolves around his death, opening up into inner and outter conflict that the characters have.

I never had payed much attention to the doomsday clock in the novel, but now that I look over the chapters it shows a small picture of it in each illustration of the chapters. The director captured each character so precisely. From their look so their inner fear, struggles, misunderstandings, and personality. While reading “Watchmen” I found it hard to relate to Dr.Manhattan because he was treated like a god, yet he couldn’t relate nor understand human beings. In the film, I became much more attached to him for a number of reasons (and no, not because he was nude… *awkward silence*). First of all the actor who played Doctor Manhattan was Billy Crudup who happened to be Russell from “Almost Famous“. I have a favorite quote of his as well *wink*. “She is beautiful. After each long kiss, she plants a smaller, gentler one upon my lips, like a signature.” They kept this in the movie and I was thrilled about this.

“Watchmen” is filled with non-stop violence and action that can be painful to watch, yet leaves you waiting for the next scene whether it’s chilling and gut-wrenching (I cringed once or twice) or a kissing scene that could possibly turn into a sex scene. The emotion I felt while in the theatre at times was overwhelming for me. Without reading the book most things will take you by surprise and leave you pondering later on. It is complex and confusing and I don’t know how many people are able to put the events together to find who The Comedian’s killer is.

Walking out of the theatre dazed, mouthing the lyrics to My Chemical Romance’s cover of Bob Dylan’s “Desolation Row”. The first word that entered my mind was brutal (Don’t you love that word?) All in all, the graphic novel and the movie are pure brilliance. Allan Moore is a genious for even thinking of an idea for a book so strangely intricate that unfolds and leaves you thinking. (I think you readers are growing tired of my variations of the word “complex”.) This is by far the best superhero movie I have ever seen and maybe even the best superhero movie ever made. FIVE OUT OF FIVE STARS.

Be Somebody

March 4, 2009

If I had to choose one song to die to, I would never be able to choose. Thursday’s “Understanding In a Car Crash” is just so perfect to me. Almost like poetry. The lyrics are just so brutal and beautiful. The guitar puts you on edge as goosebumps crawl up and down your arms and legs. Hot tears bubbling at your eyes; deep breaths.

So push the seats back a little further
Roll the windows down and take a breath
I can see the headlights coming
They paint the world in red and broken glass
The spinning hubcaps set the tempo for
the music of a broken window
When the lights are on and the cameras click
We open up the lens to broken glass and it’s over in a flash

Or another favorite of mine is “The Scientist” by Coldplay. The lyrics, Nobody said it was easy. Nobody said it would be so hard. ring in my ears like they are something to live by. Honestly, living is the hard part, death could be rather easy. You just die. That’s it. Everything. Gone. Over. Nothing more than that. Now Lovedrug’s “Doomsday and the Echo” is oh so lovely. I adore every last lyric to this song. I cannot even begin to explain how much I love it. “Everything Starts Where it Ends” is brilliant as well, though there is something about “Doomsday and the Echo” that makes me itch over each sentence as though I should be analyzing it.

Can’t walk it off
Can’t come clean
               Later going on to…

Hey, just woke up and already I’m a losing
Messed up everything again
Drink up, pass the gun again
Hey, just woke up and already I’m a losing
Messed up everyone again
Someone pass the gun again

I got to thinking about this subject after thinking I was a failure. Playing guitar is one of my dreams and I have to succeed at it. Guitar lessons have been going… not so good. At least I don’t feel I’ve been doing nearly good enough. I want to friggen’ shred! I want to riff and rock. I want to be up on stage, sweat dripping from my body. Being a phenomenal performer such as Jason Hale or Jimi Hendrix. The spectacular sound as well, maybe the cleanest you’ve ever heard? I want to be the best of the best. Each lesson I’d like to be told I am amazing at guitar even if I am still a beginner. I would love for those words to be spoken honest and truthful. I guess plan “B”, which is writing, is what I should try to shoot for, for now. I’ll do my best to improve my writing each and every day. Giving every writing assignment 110% percent whether it is stupid or not. As most have you have heard the saying, “No problem.” let me introduce a new one to you all. No promises. 

Reader,  I don’t fully understand myself either, but leaving earth with a sad song just seems like a good way to go. When I die I want to be cremated, I want my (Alleged I suppose. Though trust me, Kat Von D IS going to tattoo me.) tattoos to tell my story before I am burned to ashes. I want them to play one of my song choices for death. I want to be remembered.

Current song of choice at the moment, “The Undertaker’s Thirst For Revenge Is Unquenchable (The Final Battle)” by Chiodos.

And all the world’s a stage
I existed because I dreamed
And well, I dream no more
I’ve given up on the entire human race