I’m sinking like a stone in the sea.

6/6/09

I keep taking deep breaths because it feels like forgot how to breathe. I breathe too slow or to quick; not taking in enough oxygen or too much air. During the school year my little brother would breathe through his mouth heavily. Sometimes he would cry at night and I didn’t know why. It annoyed me terribly and I kept trying to explain to him why he didn’t need to breathe that way. Now I know the feeling. All of the sudden in the middle of the day I think, I don’t know what to do. You are probably thinking, About what? Well, I don’t know either. I just feel so utterly overwhelmed by everything. It’s summer time, right? I shouldn’t bother having to feel this way, but I do. And I am scared. I don’t know what will happen in a few hours or even a few days. Nobody really does. I mean, you might have a few events mapped out, but you don’t know what those moments of the day will feel like.

I went to my mother for advice and what she said was, “Just go and babysit. Once when you get home you can figure out what to do next.” I liked this idea, but this is all new for me. I’m used to planning out my day and setting goals, whether I realized it or not. This unpredictable schedule is throwing me off a bit. Today, I don’t want this day to slip away from me like all the other days do. Wasted and chasing time. Please time, stand still for only a day or two.

Brand New’s album Deja Entendu feels like my soundtrack. The events probably don’t quite match up, but the instrumentals capture my mood. In some songs Jesse Lacey almost whispers and I turn up my volume to savor his words. Especially in “Tautou”, which is one of my favorites though it’s only a minute and a half long.

I want to make this day last, but I don’t seem to know how. All I know is that I don’t want Monday to come. Please, not yet. If everyday was Saturday then I’d be fine with that. I’m still confused why I’m scared of what is next to come….

2 Responses to I’m sinking like a stone in the sea.

  1. Mom says:

    Hon, the key to living a contented (& dare I say “happy”) life if you can ‘get it’ now…is to recognize that NO ONE really knows what’s going to come next. We all truly just need to ‘breathe in each moment that we are in’ and appreciate all the little things around us that we are grateful for. Nothing else is a given. Fear IS our worst enemy, and most are liars that say they aren’t afraid of the uncertain or unknown (or at least have been at some point in their lives). Find pleasure in the obscure and seemingly unimportant, & try not to worry about the things you have no control over. You are brave, intelligent, caring, and your life DOES make a difference RIGHT NOW – to at least one important person – ME :)

  2. Hannah says:

    What your mom said is very true. :D She sounds like my mom!! =P I completely know what you’re talking about, Phoen. Whenever summer rolls around, I have the same problem of not knowing what’s going to happen next, but desperately wanting to know. There’s just so much empty time, ya know? Anyway, I find it’s best to distract myself. Grab a book, play some music, call up a friend and see if they want to do something with you. And, there’s always me to talk to! :)

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