And after all you’re my wonderwall….

August 31, 2009

My second week of school started today. I have one day down. I finished “The Perks Of Being a Wallflower” last week and I can say that it is one of my all time favorite books. It makes me wonder how some of the most simple books are so charming and so popular. Ah well, this book was an acception.

Nothing intersting happened today. I don’t have anything to complain about. School is alright for once. Oh, but today my English teacher was funny. We were discussing story plots and so she used Goldy Locks and The Three Bears as an example. “Goldy Locks is a little thug!” she said. Kids giggled but my English teacher was serious. “Walkin’ into those bears house. She outta think for herself!” I don’t have much homework yet, but I’m glad I have a little. I know most kids despise homework but I don’t know… it gives me a good feeling, it keeps me busy. At least so far. Oh and I learned the alphabet in French!

I just want Friday to get here! On Friday I will be going to see Blink-182 with Weezer, Taking Back Sunday, Chester French and the Von Bondies. Really, I’m only there for Taking Back Sunday but seeing Blink and Weezer is a bonus! AND my uber-rad cousin who took me to Warped Tour is going to accompany me yet again.

I think I’m going to finish reading “The Graveyard Book” by Neil Gaimen. I made a Tumblr account. If you ever wanted to check it out here’s the link http://www.thehumanbean.tumblr.com. I have also been writing a story and recently started posting it to Quizilla so I can get some readers! Though, I’m not too sure anybody is reading it other than a couple of girls on Polyvore…. Whoever is reading this post now, I would appreciate it greatly if you would read at least one “chapter” of my story! http://www.quizilla.com/stories/12970119/you-got-me-up-against-the-wall (Blackbyrd, if you ever read my blog anymore I swear to you my username is not copying off of you. Since my name is Phoenixx a friend of mine nicknamed me Birdie. When I typed in my username I didn’t check over it and it came out as bydiebirdie. Stupid, I know, but if you ever do read my blog anymore I just wanted you to know.) I guess that’s it.

Song Of The Day – “Wonderwall” by Oasis http://ashleyrawr.tumblr.com/post/176496622/innocentandsweet-wonderwall-oasis


It was alright but I’m not saying I want to go back.

August 24, 2009

Okay, so the first day back at school wasn’t so bad. It was better than I expected it to be, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be different tomorrow or that I’ve stopped hating it. Honestly, the only thing I’m really worried about is PE, opening my locker, and getting to class on time.

English is my favorite subject. I love to write and read new and interesting things. My only problem? I am stuck with a shitty teacher. She is old, mean and moody. During the whole class we just sat in her room listening to her lecture us about what we can and can’t do. At one point she said, “I’m not gonna treat you like you’re dumb. I’m not going to come over to you and comfort you and say, ‘Oh, it’s okay little retard.'” I guess all I can do is hope for a better English teacher in high school.

Thankfully, I knew a group of people from my old school or people I had met at summer school. Even though I don’t want to call all of them friends, it is nice to see someone I at least remembered. I got a little turned around walking through the hallways but I managed to find my way around. I’ve got to admit, I was a little late to some of my classes due to a crappy combination lock.

I hope tomorrow is better and a get the swing of things. At least after the first week you would think. Today was really just and orientation; and I was handed a many “syllabus”. There wasn’t any homework other than to take home all my papers and get my parents to read over them and sign them. Actually, I do have to write a paragraph about how Project Lead The Way got its start, but that barely counts. — The only class I’m really worried about is PE. I usually do the exercises required but that doesn’t mean I like them. I’m just afraid of looking utterly stupid. That would be a bad feeling. I’m not too keen on embarrassment.

Surprisingly, I think my favorite teacher so far is the Science teacher. Holy guacamole, she is a bundle of energy! I guess that’s it. I hope tomorrow I can shake of the early morning jitters faster. (Did I mention I have to wake up at 6:00 AM and get to school by 7:00? Well, if I didn’t now you know!)


My eyes are tired, but I’ll stay awake for this last day of summer.

August 23, 2009

School starts tomorrow and I am still nervous. I have a headache right now. I’m trying to go without taking an Ibuprofen of Tylenol because I don’t want to get too dependant on them. I’m almost finished with “The Perks Of Being a Wallflower” and I love it. Yesterday I painted my nails with glittery nail polish. You can’t see anything other than the cleance Inside”ar coating and sparkles. When I think back to when I bought it, it was two days before Warped Tour. When I think about Warped Tour I think about how much I will soon be missing summer. I wish I could redo my summer and be more adventurous and do something really fun or meaningful, but I can’t. I suppose I shall just begin planning for next year.

I was listening to The Academy Is…’s album Fast Times At Barrington High this morning and thinking how much of a summer album it is. I was thinking about the song “Summer Hair = Forever Young” in particular (can you guess why?). I actually like the fall and winter much better than summer, but knowing that I don’t have school or homework to worry about the next day is always a nice feeling. I started singing it to my younger sister and decided I would just play it for all to hear. So I stuck the album into my sisters’ Hello Kitty CD player and listened to the whole album three times through.

The first time I sat in the kitchen and sang along in a whisper. The next time I played it while I was reading. The third time I listened to it during the car ride to the Ethnic Festival. (At the Ethnic Festival I came across some beautiful Kokeshi Dolls. I’ll post my pictures soon, but in the meantime you should read bout them. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kokeshi) It has been another one of those melancholy days.

Despite the fact I talked about The Academy Is… (and even wore my concert T-shirt today) in this post, the Song Of The Day is “Dance Inside” by The All-American Rejects. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VKkLKTnlu0


I sound old and cheesy.

August 23, 2009

You know, it has taken me a while to actually bring myself to saying this, but I think I’m hung up on thinking everything is not okay. What a lot of people tell me and people probably tell you this too, is that someone has it worse than you do. That is so completely true. I know that everything will be okay. And if you can bring yourself to saying this than you might not get eaten alive by the fear of everything. Things were getting to a point where I was worrying about everything and I don’t want to be known as a coward.

School isn’t such a scary thought. It’s just that I hate it. What I am most afraid of is not being able to open my locker with the mass of everyone around me and then being late to class or missing the bus or getting lost in this new school. I’m trying to get in the habit of telling myself I will be able to open the lock and make it to class and so on because if I walk into the school saying, “This is gonna be a bad day,” it will be. Some people think this stuff is stupid, and I’ll admit I used to be one of them, but it works. Trust me, if I met John O’Callaghan and Aaron Gillespie then you should believe me.

Shall I change the subject? I am often talking to people on Polyvore and it seems people think I am older than I really am. I don’t try to trick them but sometimes it just happens. I guess this is an up in some ways, but when I’ve got people telling me they just recently got drunk it might be a little awkward to tell them how old I am. Though, I’m not sure why they’d share that with me anyways. I guess some people are just open books.

I am going to change this topic again because I feel like it. I want to watch Dan in Real Lifesince we just rented it. I feel a bit melancholy at the moment. I want to hug someone right now. Sometimes it just feel good to give someone a hug. That sounds really sappy and trust me, I’m not an uber-sappy person, but I like hugs sometimes. My mom just made popcorn and I already brushed my teeth. I pondering if I should get a Tumblr for photoblogging. I’m not sure yet. I guess I’ll sign off, it’s getting late.

Banana bread and hugs to all!
– Nixx


“And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.”

August 22, 2009

I thought I would make use of this day.

Yesterday I went down to the Plaza. I walked around first. I finished “City Of Glass” by Cassandra Clare on Thursday and in the words of Hannah, was have some withdrawal issues. I had planned on walking into Barnes and Noble and being able to sit and start to re-read it. Instead, I mainly just talked to my mom. I searched for a book called “The Perks Of Being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky. We found it, but when I flipped the paperback book over to look at the price I saw that it was fourteen dollars. I had enough money, but I wasn’t willing to pay it. So I told myself today I would look for it at the library.

Today I went to library and I checked out “The Perks Of Being a Wallflower”. I brought it home and I sat down in the dining room and began to read it. I never read in the dining room, which is strange. The book is written in the form of letters to whom I don’t know. I tuned out the music my mom was playing and the TV my sisters were watching. I read this book without looking up.

I’ve only read about forty-two pages, but at one point I almost started crying. Yet I kept reading. I felt sick to my stomach and I wanted to cry for knowing this. I wanted to cry in a panic that school is in one day. I wanted to cry over a fictional book, but I kept reading. I am seeing everything from Charlie’s point of view and I already know this will be one of my favorite books.

Song Of The Day – “Sowing Season” by Brand New http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qd6wrss3iP8

wallflower1


We’re screaming at the same moon.

August 20, 2009

Craig Owens’s screaming is calming me down right now. It’s keeping me in the clouds. His screaming does two things for me. Either I want to headbang to the sound of Chiodos’s music or I want to go to relax to it. Not that it’s boring, but that it calms me down and puts me in a mixture of reality and fiction. It’s like I could pretend I feel the same way as Craig did after his first love broke his heart (thus he wrote an album about her). Yet this time I feel more like the instrumental rather than the lyrics. It’s like when I was listening to Brand New’s Déjà Entendu record.

Press my face up against the glass
with both eyelids shut and
baby this won’t get any easier
baby this won’t get any easier
baby this won’t get any easier

I’ll lie on the dirty carpeting in my room (that can’t be fixed unless we were willing to pay for new wood floors) and breathe. I like taking deep breaths because it makes me feel a little better. It takes some of the frustration away. — I sound cheesy again. — When I push all the frustration back I feel like and old toy disguised as a new one.

It’s not a big deal. It has been three weeks since my last guitar lesson but I’m mad at myself. This is part of learning, but I am always angry at myself for not knowing what he might throw at me. School starts next week. I was supposed to read two non-fiction books from a list they sent me. I lost the list and didn’t read the books. I have to be tested on them. I guess I’m just looking for more stuff to mope about.

We all have our good days and our bad days, yesterday was a mixture of the two.

Song Of The Day – “No Hardcore Dancing In The Living Room” by Chiodos http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJCX_Nit388

chiodos lyrics


So lonely, so pretty

August 18, 2009

Last weekend was a weekend of hair. Lots of hair. Yes, I did cut my hair if you were wondering. It looks kind of crappy, but I don’t mind that much because it’s easier to deal with. I can pull my hair back into two little buns, pull it back into a pony tail, leave it down for once or straighten it if I please. (Though, if I did decide to straighten it might still take a couple hours. )

My little sister got her hair ‘cut’ (really, just trimmed). I wish she would have cut it short like it used to be. My sister’s hair isn’t like mine. She’s got that flyaway texture, yet it’s still curly, just not uber-curly like mine. Well, she straightened it. It’s not permanent of anything, but I’m going to be honest here, I think it looks… not so good. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t. She looks like a little house wife. You know, the soccer moms with the white pants and blue sweaters.

My brother needs to grow up and he needs to learn how to listen. We are constantly telling him not to do this, not to do that. After telling him these things he either does it again not to be stubborn, but because he can’t seem to comprehend what we are saying. Or he does something else we have told him not to do. I am sure of it. I sound bitter, and I won’t lie I am a little bit but I’m going to say this where I can which is on my blog! In example, Don’t squirt toothpaste all over the sink, don’t leave your clothes on the bathroom floor, don’t talk “slang” and the list goes on.

On a lighter note, I found out The Almost are going to be touring with The Used. The dates have been posted, but they post the venues on Thursday so be stoked. I want to go, but I’m running out of money. October 6th Paramore are coming back to Kansas City on a headlining tour after their new album Brand New Eyes comes out and I want to go! But the next day Brand New will be here with Manchester Orchestra at the same venue. Then in November, four days after my birthday All Time Low will be here at my favorite venue with We The Kings, Hey Monday, and the Friday Night Boys. Ag, so many good concerts.

Song Of The Day – “Lasso” by Phoenix http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weoqE_thaIk (Ha, just a couple months ago I found out I could search my name on iTunes.)


I like secrets ’cause they keep me in line.

August 13, 2009

I wish I could play dead like Johnny Quid. Johnny knows a good RocknRolla is worth more as a dead man, so his record sales go up. Johnny is a clever junkie, but like any junkie, you can’t trust him. Why do I want to play dead? Simple, my summer is almost over and soon I’ll be heading to this unfamiliar new school. Wandering the halls mostly alone and probably keeping to myself most of the time.

I want to keep looking back to last Tuesday and thinking how quick a week goes by. Time is very frustrating. I have realized time almost always does the opposite of what you want it to do. I know school won’t be completely miserable, but I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m nervous like anyone else. I have my school supplies, some new clothes and a new pair of shoes (all black Authentic Vans to be exact), and my school books. Everything is set and I want to pretend like nothing is going on.

Yesterday was my school orientation. A woman in the office told me where to go to be assigned a locker and be given my books. It was overwhelming and I most likely blocked out what she was saying. “Where do we go?” my mom asked me. I shrugged my shoulders and replied, “I don’t know.” Why is it that whatever advice or direction someone gives me, it goes in one ear and right out the other? Oh right, because I’m in denial.

Sighing is nice. It feels like I’m releasing a bunch of toxins that had been in my lungs. I sigh often now. I am melodramatic and slightly hystrerical. What are ya gonna do?

Song Of The Day – “Finders Keepers” by You Me At Six http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J36je4NC4zo


W-W-WARPED TOUR!

August 5, 2009

Holy shit. Warped Tour was even more than I anticipated. I’m in shock right now, I don’t even know what to say. It’s all too good to be true, and it’s hard even taking the time to tell the whole story. Anyway, let me explain what happened.

I arrived to Warped Tour around 12:30. I was a little nervous for the Wall Of Death during Chiodos’ set that I had heard about, but I couldn’t wait to see them.

Chiodos came on stage and I couldn’t see them at first because of all those darn tall people! Though, I could see a crazy mosh pit going on and surprisingly, I was pretty damn calm. As their set progressed Mackenzie scored us spots really close to the stage. Right when we get there, Craig said, “In 2005 a band called My Chemical Romance set a record of over 60 crowd surfers in one minute. I want to try and beat that record. So, as soon as this song starts you need to crowd surf because after this, it won’t be allowed.” “A Letter From Janelle”- my favorite song by Chiodos – started up and loads of kids were thrust into the air. My wee little arms could barely hold them up so I was often kicked in the face. To all the crowd surfers, sorry if I accidentaly groped you. It’s just, I couldn’t put my hands anywhere else other than your arse because that wouldn’t hold you up. I hope you didn’t mind too much. More and more kids were asking to go up into the air but would take a hard fall to the ground.

As soon as Craig said the words, “Wall Of Death”, Mackenzie, Ashley and I pushed our way out of the crowd. No way would we get caught in that. When we got away from the pushy show gazers I kept singing and jumping along. As soon as the Wall Of Death was over we squeezed back into the crowd and I sang the last of the lyrics and their set ended. It was amazing. Not exactly how I pictured it, but I promise I will see them again someday.

I had hopped I would see The Maine, but they went on at the same time Chiodos did so I missed their performance. I was a little upset, but I knew I would make it to their signing. Mackenzie, Ashley and I wandered around the merchandise booths set up everywhere. I bought a zombie Chiodos T-shirt and a blue Drop Dead T-shirt with the adorable cat head on it.

We finally found our way over to The Maine’s merchandise table to find out when their siging would start. It had started fifteen minutes ago but one of the guys at the table said it was still going on. “Where’s the AP tent?” I asked, eagerly. He pointed me in the right direction and I raced off. I got a little lost, but I found the AP tent, and within it sat John O’Callaghan, Pat Kirch, Garrett Nickelsen, and Jared Monaco, but no Kennedy. I found the end of the line and whipped out my camera. Mackenzie said she and Ashley were going on a quest to find food, so I stood in line alone. I didn’t mind at all. I knew I would meet John Ohh because I made it to the siging just in time to claim the last signing pass! (Also, there were a few guys who came over and talked to me, trying to sell me a CD. I asked them how many songs were on the CD and one guy said, “Eighteen songs if you play it three times. I’ll let you do the math.”)

I reached the table and handed over my signing pass. I set my white Maine T-shirt down on the table and Pat began to sign it. I was squeeling on the inside. The white shirt finally made it’s way over to John, and I leaned over and said, “I missed you guys at the AP Tour! They cut the line to the signing right where I was!” John smiled replying, “Aw.” Then I said, “I know this is gonna sound weird, but can I have a hug?” “Yeah, sure!” John said, now standing up. I walked over to him and I gave him a big hug! This could officially be counted as a great fucking day. To cut to the chase, I got a girl to take my picture with him and I will cherish it forever!

There wasn’t a band I wanted to see until 4:55, and that was Underoath. It was past two when I found Mackenzie and Ashley and we felt as if we might pass out. We walked over to a shaded grassy area and sat down, relieved. I was bored so I flipped open my phone and pulled up Twitter. Less than a minute ago Underoath had posted, “If you wanna watch the show from the stage today, be the first to meet Chris at our merch table and give him the code word: Quenton. Go!” I turned to Mackenzie and Ashley, grinning I said, “Do you guys wanna see Underoath from the stage?” Mackenzie and Ashley both replied, “Yeah.” “Well, I know how. Come with me!” With confused looks on their faces I dragged made them run all the way back to Underoath’s merch table. I told the girls the code word. We got to the table and shouted, “Quenton!” Chris smiled and yelled, “You guys are the winners!” and gave us hi-fives! Chris told us to meet him at the entrance on the left side of the main stage at 4:30.

As we walked away I heard the Chiodos Rock Band set. (It’s where they are the judges of the best “band”.) It ended and kids were leaving the tent. While people were clearing out I saw Jason Hale from Chiodos talking to a woman he must have known. It took me a second, but I walked over to Jason and tapped on his shoulder. He turns my way and I say, “Um, Jason? Can you please sign my shirt?” Jason smiles, blowing away smoke from his cigarette and says, “No.” “No?” I repeat. Jason smiles again and says, “Yes.” I pull out my Chiodos shirt from the bag and hand him a black Sharpie I packed for those just in case moments. “Thank you!” I say. Mackenzie says, “Sorry, we didn’t mean to attack you or anything.” “No, you guys are fine!” Jason replies, and by the way he said it, I could tell he was enjoying this. What was I thinking at that moment? Gee, he has a pretty smile.

I was feeling dizzy from the heat. I had been drinking water, yes, but it was food that I needed. Throughout the whole day all I had to eat was half a piece of peanut butter toast and three of Mackenzie’s nachos. We found the entrance by the main stage and practically fell to the ground. I kept checking my phone for the time because Ashley was constantly asking, “How many more minutes?”

Next to the main stage was a skate ramp. Now on that ramp was a six year old boy totally killing it! He was better than the 14 year old (I’m guessing) that was up there! Everyone who was watching him smiled in awe and cheered him on.

It was finally 4:30 and Chris wasn’t at the gate, Mackenzie, Ashley and I became a little fidgety, but Chris saw us waiting and waved us back. “These girls are with me,” he told one of the bouncers backstage. Chris told one of the bouncers to make sure we got on the stage (we were later given green VIP wristbands). I spotted Aaron Gillespie and I peeped to my cousin, “That’s Aaron Gillespie.” “Go over there and ask for a picture!” Mackenzie cheered. I was a bit starstruck so I asked sheepishly, “Can you come with me?” Mackenzie sighed and smiled, then walked over there with me. “He’s your lover,” Mackenzie said. I replied, “But he’s married.” Mackenzie shrugged her shoulders and said, “He can still be your lover.” That made me smile.

Backstage I saw people from loads of other bands. Wil Frances from Aiden, Craig Owens from Chiodos, Nat from 3OH!3, and Zack Merrick from All Time Low. When Mackenzie saw Spencer from Underoath she shouted, “Hey Spencer!” He turned around and she finished, “Can you sign my shirt?” “Yeah,” Spencer mumbled.

We were all rushed onto the stage and my heart pounded in my chest. I never in a million years thought I would be one of those kids. The ones who get VIP passes and such. It was extremely loud on stage but I was so grateful to be up there with Underoath! The words were muffled because the speakers were facing the other way, but I knew the instrumental so I was able to sing along a little. My favorite songs by far were “It’s Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door” and “Writing On The Walls”. Both of these songs give me goosebumps. When the crowd would calm for those few seconds to sing, “I’m drowning in my sleep, I’m drowning sleep” or “I hope to God you come down. I hope to God you feel this now.” I felt so numb. This was real.

Sing It Loud were on at 6:15, but Mackenzie and Ashley wanted to see In This Moment who I don’t care for. I didn’t mind seeing Sing It Loud alone because I knew it would be a pretty tame crowd, so yes, I went alone. I managed to squeeze my way a little closer to the front than I expected. I snapped pictures and bounced around. It was fun, Sing It Loud were a fun bunch of people. When their set was over I found Mackenzie and Ashley and I left with heat exhaustion and a pounding headache.

All summer long I had been telling my parents, “Warped Tour is going to be amazing. It has to be.” And I also knew I would meet John Ohh and give him a hug. As crazy as that sounds, sometimes you can just feel it, ya know? So this is really where my summer ends, but it was everything I had hoped for, all of that and more. Now I fear I will try to relive those moments for the rest of the summer which is true. Though, I don’t mind, it’s better than living in the present.

Song Of The Day – “Some Will Seek Forgivness, Others Escape” by Underoath http://www.playlist.com/searchbeta/tracks#some%20will%20seek%20forgiveness%20others%20escape


Glittery Nails

August 3, 2009

I have wanted my writing to be something meaningful, something worth reading, but now it seems they have come to these silly updates.

I am just now noticing how little I have posted on my blog this summer. The thing is, I have come to a writers block. Nothing interesting has happened to me to write or rant about. Though, I do have a few journal entries that I am keeping in my journal and a secret blog.

Really, all I do all day is make Polyvore sets, listen to music, read, and now watching TV has come into the picture. I hate it. I am so boring and all I do is sit on my arse all day doing nothing meaningful, nothing exciting. Well, I have been babysitting but that isn’t necessarily something I like.

Warped Tour is on Tuesday and I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. You know how you can’t get to sleep at the thought of what presents you might be opening in the morning? Eyes wide open and your stomach flipping. That is exactly how I feel and I can’t and won’t shake this feeling. I love it and hate it. It keeps me wondering at night when all I want to do is sleep and keeps a smile of my face in the morning. Why should I get so excited? Because my ultra rad cousin, Mackenzie and her best friend are taking me! That’s why! The only problem is, it might rain on Tuesday. I would rather be in the stifling heat. Damn rain.

Today I bought some glitter nail polish. The people who know me are probably thinking, Really? My reply is, yes, really. I put on a coat of black nail polish today then added a coat of glitter and now they look fabulous! Strange, but fabulous.

I cannot believe summer is almost over. I refuse to think about the beginning of the school year. As soon as I do I will start back up with the anxiety attacks (well, not exactly attacks, but the awful feeling I had been expierencing earlier this year). I don’t want to browse through Target and shop for school supplies. I don’t want to be swamped with work and I don’t know if I am ready for all of this. Actually that is a lie, I am, I know I am, but I don’t feel ready for school again. All I can say is, I hope I am challanged and there is some amazing writing program.

We celebrated my youngest sister’s birthday today even though it is on Wednesday. It was fun because I saw my cousin Boston and his friend Tyler (also know as Tippy-Toe) for the first time in almost three months. (They are funny in the stupidest way.) And there we about three, no four different cakes to choose from and my little sister loved all her presents. I am tempted to steal her Ni Hao, Kai Lan dolls!

I guess that’s it. I have been listening to some really amazing music I am prepared to share with you…
Song Of The Day – “Wolves at Night” by Manchester Orchestra http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOXNgvyPUto