September 27, 2009
I am so restless. I looked up the color meanings of my mood ring because mine is always brown. Yes, brown does mean restless, but I still think mood rings are dirty liars. I often find myself complaining that I am bored, though my mother pointed out that the word I am looking for is “restless”. You know, I think she is right.
There is always something to do, but it’s just that that something isn’t usually exciting or interesting. It has to be worth my time. I really don’t know what I want. I am just confused. All I know is that I want something different to happen. Every day feels the same. Wake up, shower, brush my teeth, get dressed; eat breakfast; go to school et cetera.
I have also noticed that the stories I write are usually what I want to do or the main character contains an element of me. I don’t know any different. I haven’t any idea what to make the character like and dislike because I know nothing else than what I care about. Actually that is wrong, I just don’t want my characters liking things like Aeropostal shirts and cabana boys.
My mom thinks I should volunteer to do something that will not only impact other people, but will make me feel good. That might help, but you know, I think I have almost lost that feeling completely. Sure I might have something different going on each weekend or a new assignment due everyday, but I feel the same inside. Nothing thrills me. While some people take comfort in having a schedule, I like for my schedule to change up. For example, my dad finds it comforting to watch the same movie seven or eight times in a row. I like to see new movies.
I don’t know what to do about this problem. Whenever I find something that makes me a little happy, if only for a day, I think how it doesn’t matter. If everyone in the world dies tomorrow, the universe wouldn’t care. Life goes on and everything I do feels so worthless and silly. I don’t know what I want. I am so restless.
Song of the Day – “Chemical Kids and Mechancial Brides” by Pierce The Veil www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dlbYEOme7E
September 24, 2009
She loves everybody.
After that little bump in the road last night, things were cleared up. I doubted her a little, but I guess she was just trying to be considerate. Well, it seems the “bump in the road” is determined to haunt me. I really do wish I had the nerve to say how much I want completely new friends so I guess this is the end of us. But she loves everybody, and she won’t let me go.
I think my favorite part about watching band interviews is seeing how much fun they have together. Their smiling joking faces; sitting with good friends. I think that was one of the reasons I wanted to be in a band for a while. But I changed my mind. My head might be in it, but my heart isn’t. I know it’s a long ways away, but I like plan ahead.
Anyway, I was talking to Taylor in the hall at the end of the day (that’s the girl whom I have similarities with, by the way). Yesterday I finally asked her if we could hang out sometime, and I mentioned the art fair this weekend. Well “the bump in the road” comes over and introduces herself. The whole idea of talking to Taylor, trying to get to know her, was to branch out and in particular, keep “the bump in the road” out of it.
I knew she would say something. She loves everybody. We got outside of the school building to look for our bus among the mass of kids and twenty or so busses and she said it. (No shit, there are in fact at least twenty busses. The reason for this is because we drive to the high school afterwards.) “Hey, you know that girl we were taking to? I kinda wanna be her friend since you guys are hanging out.” I just stayed silent because I know, and now you know that she loves everybody.
September 24, 2009
I don’t know why I feel low sometimes. I don’t want to feel gloomy. It has been gone for a while and it should stay that way. Though, sometimes it just invades my mind for only a small portion of the day.
I don’t know why you even bothered mentioning that to me? I thought you knew I was trying to “branch out”? Maybe I just assume things way too much. I really do. I shouldn’t be making a fuss over it on my blog, but I will because I’d rather type this all up rather than writing it down in a journal. You made me regret my words for a minute. I told myself I didn’t need any friends because they are too confusing and will never fully understand my opinions or why I feel the way I do. So I won’t mention anything to them. I can barely call them friends anymore. I never knew it was so hard to get rid of someone. No wait- I did.
I want to be somewhere completely new so I can start over. Yes Adam Lazzara, I too, would love to be new again. I’m tired and ranting and I have a headache. I hope I’m not coming down with the cold that everyone else has.
Anyways, you won’t believe it! October 1, I’m going to see Owl City. October 6, I’m going to see Paramore (on a headlining tour), and October 7, I will be off watching Brand New and Manchester Orchestra! And last but most definitely not least, I get to see The Used with The Almost the following week! I used all $112 of my dollars to pay for these tickets and one of them was for my mom. I’m excited.
September 21, 2009
I change my mind. As much as I like You Me At Six’s older music, anything and everything by You Me At Six makes me happy! I can listen to one of their songs over and over again and still feel the butterflies in my stomach. Just watching “behind the scenes” videos of the guys makes me smile.
Josh Franceschi isn’t especially cute, but his personality and his “British-ness” makes him more appealing. I don’t really know why. I hope that some day You Me At Six will come back to Kansas City and play at the Riot Room (it holds about 500 people). I could meet the band outside and tell them how happy I am to finally be seeing them. Or it could be like when I saw Chris Gaylor from the All-American Rejects talking on his cell phone outside of the venue. I smiled and him and he winked at me. Just little things like that make me happy. They really do. (And yes, I do spend some of my free time thinking about these sorts of things.)
I just wanted to write all of my happiness down and express to whoever is reading this how much I love You Me At Six! I know they have already had two turns to be the Song of the Day, but just once more.
Song of the Day – “Gossip” by You Me At Six http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqyIMODMmbI
September 20, 2009
I never realized how lonely I was until last night. I just wish to always be out and about so I can talk to all the random sales people.
My “friends” and I are growing apart and I am quite glad, but now I have to hunt for a new friend or two. Being with the same people for so long gets annoying. They become siblings after a while. That’s why I don’t hang out with them on the weekends or give them a call just to talk about nothing. I have seen their true colors. Their bad attitudes or their foolish wants to aspire to be just like “such and such”. Trying too hard, and not letting themselves have fun.
One of my “friends” once said she was embarrassed to be my friend because I like to joke around and act silly. I told her then maybe she wasn’t a real friend. I don’t think she realized how serious I was and that, that remark had hurt my feelings. When I think about how I am a much better friend to them, I have all the right to say no to all their invitations. I know what it feels like to be picked on so I don’t do it back.
I suppose now that I am in this big school, I should take advantage of the fact that I could be meeting a bunch of new people. And I am trying, I’m just not good at the talking part. I mean, I want to talk to them and attempt to start conversations, but I am still at that awkward stage. You know where if you say too much then you sound desperate and clingy and if you don’t say enough you sound quiet and boring. I usually get the quiet and boring response. What kids don’t understand is, it’s not necessarily that I’m quiet, it’s just that I don’t want to talk to you. Yeah, I am kind of mean but I am very conscious of who I make friends with because I have so many standards I want them to pass. I know this is silly but I finally want a friend I can talk to relate to.
On a different note, I straightened my hair yesterday. It looks alright, but I want to cut it. Layer it and possibly go shorter. I’m just afraid that when it’s curly I won’t like it. My mom of course thinks it’s a good idea, though I am still on the fence (as you can tell).
Friday night I discovered a cover of Lady GaGa’s “Poker Face” by You Me At Six and I can’t stop listening to it! Indulge. Song Of The Day – “Poker Face” by You Me At Six http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1CNnya3qJE
September 18, 2009
I have news! Oh, I’m so excited even though it isn’t much. In my last blog post I told you about the girl who I share similarities with, right? Well, my friend Antoinette introduced me to her! Even though we haven’t spoken much, I would love, love, love it if I could be considered one of her close friends eventually. I have this plan in my head that I will go to the All Time Low concert with her in November.
I asked her about her Babycakes shirt one morning. Then I asked if she met the Babycakes guy at Warped Tour and she said, “Oh you mean Paul Griffiths? No, I wish. I bought that shirt at Warped Tour.” Then I told her I was there and gushed how cute Paul Griffiths is. As we made our way to her locker I asked who her favorite band she saw at Warped was and guess what she said… ALL TIME LOW!! You don’t even now how excited I was then and there! (Gosh, I haven’t typed this many exclamation points in such a long time. Nor have been this excited about a new friend.)
I wrote my first Science Current Event article yesterday which I turned in today. I feel pretty proud of it. It’s about how black patients seem less likely to survive cardiac arrest than white patients. I also finished my geography “exam” today.
I have so much new music to share with you, but I guess I will save some of it. First of all, I was listening to old You Me At Six demo songs on YouTube and I think I like their old sound better. Listen to “Promise, Promise” compared to “Finders Keepers”. They have changed immensely. Secondly, I like a guy who calls himself Owl City. I get to go to one of his free shows in October. Lastly, I finally bought All Time Low’s new album, Nothing Personal Wednesday night when I was supposed to be doing my homework. Oh well, music is better. Wait – one last thing. I have enough money to go see The Used and Brand New! I should celebrate. All of this makes me wonder if anyone has noticed my mood change.
Song Of The Day – “Lights Out” by Santigold http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwNkuw-YTVo