I wanted to let you know that I’m starting to miss writing on this blog. The reason why I would abandon it so often was because I kept trying to fabricate a clean slate for myself by making new blogs, hoping to sound like the person I want to be. I wanted my posts to be creative and interesting. I didn’t want to dawdle on the unimportant details of my bad days because no one really enjoys reading that, right? I mean, when I first started writing on this blog I thought I knew myself and what my goals in life were and how I would get there. Now can definitely feel the long transition stage, covering me in a haze of unhappy adolescence.
A lot has happened since I last wrote on this blog. I’ve moved, tried to analyze and understand different sorts of people, missed my friends, cried, gone to concerts, meet Aaron Gillespie for a third time, and made countless mixtapes. I feel that don’t have much drive as of lately; I hate the feeling of obligation and so I just sleep on everything. I feel withdrawn, you know? It’s stupid, I feel stupid most of the time. Though, what I’ve come to realize is that even if you move somewhere new you can’t automatically flip the switch and become someone else, you bring that person with you. In some ways the place may make you, but for the most part you make yourself, and it’s hard to be the ideal image of yourself without putting real effort into it. It might be safe to say I’ve developed an inferiority complex, that is, if you could laugh about. But I don’t know who I am anymore. I want to be one thing and change my mind the next day. For some reason I can’t seem to shake the idea that you can’t be a combination of two things, and you have to stick to the rules someone you don’t know made up. I’ll realize this but fall back into that mindset of wanting to impress fake strangers. I don’t know what I want to get out of writing this maybe just knowing that someone could understand.
I haven’t written anything this meaningful to myself in nearly a month. I’m listening to “Washed Away” from Aaron Gillespie’s new solo album, Anthem Song and this song makes you appreciate everything, like I can feel an energy greater than myself, you know? It’s so refreshing to think back on that little show of his last December at the Main Street Cafe. No matter what he says about “just being a dude,” hearing him speak about his beliefs makes a difference to a lot of people, including me. So I’ll enjoy this spring break and say cheers to writing the first something that meant anything since my last hiatus.