Washed Away

March 22, 2011


I wanted to let you know that I’m starting to miss writing on this blog. The reason why I would abandon it so often was because I kept trying to fabricate a clean slate for myself by making new blogs, hoping to sound like the person I want to be. I wanted my posts to be creative and interesting. I didn’t want to dawdle on the unimportant details of my bad days because no one really enjoys reading that, right? I mean, when I first started writing on this blog I thought I knew myself and what my goals in life were and how I would get there. Now can definitely feel the long transition stage, covering me in a haze of unhappy adolescence.

A lot has happened since I last wrote on this blog. I’ve moved, tried to analyze and understand different sorts of people, missed my friends, cried, gone to concerts, meet Aaron Gillespie for a third time, and made countless mixtapes. I feel that don’t have much drive as of lately; I hate the feeling of obligation and so I just sleep on everything. I feel withdrawn, you know? It’s stupid, I feel stupid most of the time. Though, what I’ve come to realize is that even if you move somewhere new you can’t automatically flip the switch and become someone else, you bring that person with you. In some ways the place may make you, but for the most part you make yourself, and it’s hard to be the ideal image of yourself without putting real effort into it. It might be safe to say I’ve developed an inferiority complex, that is, if you could laugh about. But I don’t know who I am anymore. I want to be one thing and change my mind the next day. For some reason I can’t seem to shake the idea that you can’t be a combination of two things, and you have to stick to the rules someone you don’t know made up. I’ll realize this but fall back into that mindset of wanting to impress fake strangers. I don’t know what I want to get out of writing this maybe just knowing that someone could understand.

I haven’t written anything this meaningful to myself in nearly a month. I’m listening to “Washed Away” from Aaron Gillespie’s new solo album, Anthem Song and this song makes you appreciate everything, like I can feel an energy greater than myself, you know? It’s so refreshing to think back on that little show of his last December at the Main Street Cafe. No matter what he says about “just being a dude,” hearing him speak about his beliefs makes a difference to a lot of people, including me. So I’ll enjoy this spring break and say cheers to writing the first something that meant anything since my last hiatus.

(Listen to the glory that is Aaron Gillespie’s voice.)

Dear Whoever

September 25, 2010

Dear whoever,

I decided it would be best to type out a long, open letter to whoever finds it interesting enough to read. I wanted to let you all know that I am officially moving. It’s a bittersweet experience but most people go through it, whether theirs’ lean more towards the bitter or the sweet side of things. I think that my experience is fairly balanced. – I know I’ll feel at ease once I’m away from all this stimulation, I know it will be safer there. While at the same time I am finding that I will truly miss a couple of my friends. It’s funny the way some clichés turn out to be true. There are still so many people here that I wanted to get to know (like the boy down my block who is always clutching his iTouch and riding his bike around the neighborhood)! I’m almost afraid there won’t be enough going on to have adventures like we did tonight.

Tonight was my friend’s birthday. Since her block is quiet and generally safe to roam around we went outside in the front yard around 9:30pm to play four square. Instead we ended up running through the streets and through driveways, sloshing the potato chips in the yellow bowl we had been carrying around, and almost getting into trouble with the neighbors. There was some nostalgia in that. I remember when she was tuning 10 or 11 we went out at night and shook baby powder onto the boys in her street. We ran through and from the dust in the street. I missed that. – But when I think about the lurker-esque guys that Emma had directed us not to look at walking the opposite direction of us girls, I was scared. I was more frightened than I should have been because all nine of us had our cell phones, but what with all the stereotypes of what could happen to a girl it gave me an edge.

I came home in all my new bracelets, the Native American poncho that had been passed down from my great-grandmother, with feathers tied in my hair I felt strange. I came downstairs to find the office almost completely cleaned out, boxes pilling it felt less like home. So I made a playlist titled “just chiillll;” the spelling is silly but I typed it to sound like a sigh.

You should give it a listen here.

Something of an Update

September 17, 2010

Where do I begin, really? I’ll start here—

Lately I’ve been making playlists like crazy. I’m currently making a playlist called Cold Feet that features Oceana and Emarosa.

My school year started at the very end of August and my parents and I were initially expecting disaster with the district closing so many schools and combining my middle school with the high school campus. Well, honestly I think it’s been going well considering. I absolutely love my vice principal. All four of the principals respond to any sign of a problem at the snap of a finger, generally without any ranting lectures. There are cute boys to look at from grades above me, and I like my teachers better this year.

The bus rides home are usually the best part of the day not only because I get to return home but because I can come home with the strangest stories. For example one day Hunter yelled, “God, I hate my life!” Then as Peter was getting off at his stop he yelled back, “Not as much as I hate your life!” There a boy named Sam who rides and tends to bring his cute friends along. Sorry I’m going a bit overboard with the eye candy, it’s just that last year there were absolutely none. It was like a barren field.

Today was especially good. Classes were good and I managed to finish most of my homework in class. During art when our teacher called us to gather around her desk so she could demonstrate the next part of the lesson someone from behind me taped my shoulder. I figured it was Trey, trying to annoy me so I ignored it. After the demonstration I sat back down at my table and a cute boy, let’s call him Dylan, complimented my drawing. He’s Mexican, thin, and has a wavy Mohawk-esque haircut and a labret piercing. He’s so cute, -this is cliché- but he’s actually well, bad. And to top it all off when we were leaving class he bumped into me on purpose.

Meanwhile during all my school adventures my parents were still looking for a solution to the school district problems. They knew private school wasn’t a permanent solution. So we looked at a house somewhat in the country yet it’s near a highway so it’s a ten minute drive into another part of the city. It has four bedrooms, an in-ground pool, and a giant kitchen. The schools are fantastic. The curriculum is said to be exceptional. The high school is literally set up as a campus with two different buildings. It sounds really cozy. It’s been an extremely fast process but tomorrow we are getting the keys to the place. I’m nervous. Even though I’ve begun to like my school I am ready for a change, a clean slate with new friends and new people.

Do I fight shy of everything?

July 9, 2010

It’s all too overwhelming. As soon as the first month of summer break dries up the new school year seems too close. It’s like falling face first into a cement sidewalk. The aftermath is a bunch of scrapes and a few cuts, maybe a bruise to the cheekbone. It’s moderately better than having a broken face yet still comparable. I don’t know. I’m not really sure what to do. When I think about it too much (which I have a bad habit of doing) I feel like swallowing rocks.

It’s my second year at a new school I don’t much like. I graduated last year with a 4.0 (surprisingly that didn’t take as much effort as I imagined) but it’s not the classes I’m worried about it’s the kids that sort of hate me. And to my previous science teacher, I don’t need after school academics to throw around unconnected pointless dates and historic events that I have never been taught to remember. I am ambitious enough to achieve whatever I truly want on my own. — I wear my purple hoodie some days to give me Gabe Saporta confidence and I live by the Sid Vicious quote, “It’s not really my problem if they think I’m weird.” I’m not worried about them bullying me about the way I am, I’m more worried about them bullying me about last year’s end of school drama. I fugging hate that. I don’t deserve to be pulled into that nonsense and I’ll tell everyone off again and spit venom if it’s necessary, though the inner city kids at my school are physical to say the least.

So I’m listening to Paramore’s The Final Riot! which is calming me down, especially the acoustic rendition of “My Heart”. Hayley’s voice is soothing. Earlier I was in hysterics and my mom looked at me funny. I’m listening to music all the time (though it’s kinda hard to boost your iTunes playcount on a brand new computer). It helps me write and it helps me think. I should just remind myself not to overthink everything.

Here’s a playlist I am in love with: http://8tracks.com/xiu/light-on

Summer makes it hard to breathe

June 29, 2010

Almost a month of summer break has passed and I really haven’t done much. I keep thinking about this year’s Warped Tour. I know who I’m seeing and what to expect. If I could only see one band it would have to be You Me At Six. Though I plan on getting in line early so I can see Mayday Parade, Emarosa, VersaEmerge, Pierce The Veil, Automatic Loveletter and maybe a couple of hardcore bands because their fans are usually fun to be around. I’m going with Taylor and Kenzie and maybe her boyfriend Tyler oh and I might meet up with my concert buddy who I’ve ran into a couple times, Kelvin. Warped has to be great this year even if Underoath won’t be there.

I wake up late and watch reruns of “Avatar: The Last Airbender,” the real Avatar that is. I keep peace between my younger siblings and keep the house somewhat clean. My poor dogs are wining because they can’t go outside because our neighbor is tearing her fence down. Did I tell you I got another dog? His name is Zeus and ironically he’s terrified of thunder storms. He is that brindle color and looks really strong but he’s the biggest baby. I love him.

I haven’t been asked to babysit nearly at all this summer, but I guess that’s alright because for the first time in a whole year our family has a little extra money. So my parents agreed to help out with Warped Tour expenses in exchange for my watching the kids every day. Fair enough.

Next month I’m going to be spending a week with my favorite cousins in their giant house topped off with an in ground swimming pool and a trampoline. They live in this suburban neighborhood which is a nice change so I can roam the neighborhood on my own without shoes! I’ll probably see Kenzie and swim a lot (I dislike swimming in public pools because there are too many people and a feel weird wearing a bathing suit). It’ll just be a nice escape. Oh and Jane might take me out sometime this week or the next.

When I get bored I come downstairs into our little office and pull up my iTunes on the computer and create playlists. Right now I’m making a playlist titled “Summer.” It’s going to be a playlist full of songs that sound like summer (in case that wasn’t obvious).

Here is what on the playlist so far:


April 21, 2010

Happy 4/20. Not that I celebrate it but my favorite radio station had been celebrating since 6:30AM this morning. But if you do, go smoke some happy grass.

I wish I could say the things I do with dignity, but I cannot. I am simply an unrespected, horribly awkward thirteen year old girl. Thinking back to the stupid things I say I can’t imagine anyone in my right mind who would want to hang out with me. I am sort of in a state of delirium.

I think I have finally reached a point where I should stop waiting. Our friend Fay told us that if we know we’re waiting for something then keep waiting. The thing is I’m not waiting for anything. More so hoping and I shouldn’t waste time and energy doing nothing but wait. So now my waiting period is up. Starting this evening, I’m going to attempt to put most of my energy into my studies. I don’t have much else to do other than complain about I what don’t have, and so I now newly am crossing out that option.

By the end of the semester (Which is in about 7 weeks. Exciting, right?!) My goal is to get my grade point average up and to boast about it to M since she is always doing unto me. I will not settle for a 3.5 out of a 4.0. I do not want to be just mediocre.

I was walking to a little park with my younger sisters and mom earlier this evening when we passed by Ross from my bus. He looks so much like Bryson from My Life As Liz! Although, he is nothing like Bryson, but he had a cute friend tagging alongside him. Otherwise there isn’t much going on in my life.


April 5, 2010

I feel as if I’m twisted inside out. I feel like I should wring out my skin. It’s awful.

Spring break finally came but now spring break has ended. My short escape from reality has ended. I hid away in my room for days reading Fight Club and the late nights watching Donnie Darko and waking up at 10am. Since we recently got Netflix I would go down to the basement to watch Skins, a TV series in the UK, on the computer and ended up finishing the whole first season in two days. I went on walks and enjoyed the warm weather. I felt the wind blow my hair across my face and had arguments with my younger siblings. My spring break sufficed.

Why do the getaways end so quickly when reality drones on? Cram packed with people you don’t care for and don’t want to see, school days with tests and shithead math teachers, and then you have to remember that you are really young and there is hardly anyone your age who likes the same bizzaro stuff as you so you want to avoid your so-called “friends”. You come home and do your homework, practically skip dinner because it’s the same thing every night, and then you go to bed only to wake up the next morning and repeat the same procedure. Yep, story of my life.

I suppose a little break is better than no break at all. I sat in my room and listened to my iPod on shuffle for a little while. The sun peaked through my black window curtain onto my notebooks paper. I watched the black ink of my pen new rollerball pen bleed through the paper. Writing meaningless words, but I liked the way the pen moved so easily across the paper. I suppose I should realize more of the little moments like that, but when that’s all you can think about to get yourself through the next day you start to wonder, what’s the point? I mean the point of any of this? What’s the point of getting an education, the point of getting a job, the point of getting a house, the point having a family, what’s the point of life? Then as you simplify everything you begin to realize there isn’t one. And all of this came from being upset that spring break is over.

Song of the Day – Death March on Two, Ready? by Envy On The Coast

“I haven’t smiled since the day you went away.”

March 10, 2010

Thank the gods for me listening to happy music because otherwise the nightmares might really throw a sucker-punch to my face. Let’s go back to the beginning.

Out of the blue, Monday night I had a bad nightmare. The type where you are so consumed by fear you want to crawl into a hole and die. In the first nightmare I was constantly trying to run away from a man who I somehow knew was a rapist. After a while I couldn’t find anything else to protect me. The fear was too great and all I wanted to do was kill it. I know this will sound really horrible, but I felt like if I killed myself the fear would go away and he wouldn’t be able to get me. The second nightmare was practically a new rendition of the last one. In the second nightmare, I dreamt that our friend wanted to go see a movie with me. She was coming to get me when the rapist got a hold of her. As Percy Jackson would say, I woke up with a start.

I used to hate sleeping because I felt it was a waste of time. I have always had the worst dreams; dreams involving zombies and kidnappers, most everything I fear. For a while I stopped dreaming. I had completely forgotten what it was like to wake from a nightmare either in a cold sweat or shaking. Now I remember and I never want to sleep.

Song of the Day – Distant Heart by Mindy White (it’s a youtube click through link)

I can live with only oxygen, but oxygen can’t live with me.

February 7, 2010

I want to complain about what I don’t have and forget to acknowledge what I have. I want to curse my parents for having such a tight budget, but instead I’ll curse the wind because I know it’s not their fault. I want to tell my mom not to be so damn passive aggressive and teach her how to be strong mentally, but that’s just how she is. I want to move away and start fresh at a new school with new friends, but I know we can’t for a couple more years. And so I will spend my weekend watching movies and listening to “Colly Strings” by Manchester Orchestra.

This afternoon I saw a high school production of the musical Footloose. I really enjoyed it. It smelled like home, fresh and powdery with a hint of some sort of perfume, like my cousin’s house in Wichita. After the performance I officially decided that I want to move out of the city so I can go to a school in a different district. I love the city, I will miss the plaza and Westport and knowing that I could ride my bike down there if I ever wanted, but I want a fresh start. The schools in the city are to be quite honest, horrible. I hate that even with the Shawnee Mission school district being better there is hardly any diversity. I have realized that most cool people my age don’t live in the city.

It would be nice if someone asked me to babysit soon. I would really like to buy concert tickets to see Phoenix and The Dead Weather. I would like to buy more music. I would like to buy a couple books from a second-hand shop, and a new pair of jeans because my favorite pair is ripped (and not in the knee).

I wish my mom didn’t seem to so unhappy. I know she is always telling me to be positive but it seems like lately all she has to say is complain about work. I understand work right now is very stressful, but I don’t like to see people in an unhappy state. It makes me feel doomed to the same fate. I don’t much like that.

So this weekend and past weekends, I haven’t felt like doing much. I know I should accept invitations out with my friends more, but I haven’t been in the mood. I feel like a lump. I haven’t been reading and hardly writing and definitely not playing guitar for the past few weeks. I have been too busy watching Whip It and Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging over and over and over. That brings us to this weekend. I had been planning to watch The Chumscrubber last night, but apparently it hadn’t recorded so I started Meet Joe Black instead. And tonight I am going to watch Whip It again. Now I must set goals.

  • Finish reading “The Lightening Thief” before it hits theatres
  • Finish reading “Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince” (yes, I know I’m behind!)
  • Play guitar every night starting Monday night
  • Write more to my quizilla story
  • get a tattoo tomorrow (haha, just kidding)

Oh wait, I should also try not to piss my Geography teacher off. I guess I wasn’t following directions on Friday because I owe her lunch detention on Monday. Shesabitch. The end.

Song of the Day – \”Colly Strings\” by Manchester Orchestra [it’s a click-through link]