March 22, 2011
I wanted to let you know that I’m starting to miss writing on this blog. The reason why I would abandon it so often was because I kept trying to fabricate a clean slate for myself by making new blogs, hoping to sound like the person I want to be. I wanted my posts to be creative and interesting. I didn’t want to dawdle on the unimportant details of my bad days because no one really enjoys reading that, right? I mean, when I first started writing on this blog I thought I knew myself and what my goals in life were and how I would get there. Now can definitely feel the long transition stage, covering me in a haze of unhappy adolescence.
A lot has happened since I last wrote on this blog. I’ve moved, tried to analyze and understand different sorts of people, missed my friends, cried, gone to concerts, meet Aaron Gillespie for a third time, and made countless mixtapes. I feel that don’t have much drive as of lately; I hate the feeling of obligation and so I just sleep on everything. I feel withdrawn, you know? It’s stupid, I feel stupid most of the time. Though, what I’ve come to realize is that even if you move somewhere new you can’t automatically flip the switch and become someone else, you bring that person with you. In some ways the place may make you, but for the most part you make yourself, and it’s hard to be the ideal image of yourself without putting real effort into it. It might be safe to say I’ve developed an inferiority complex, that is, if you could laugh about. But I don’t know who I am anymore. I want to be one thing and change my mind the next day. For some reason I can’t seem to shake the idea that you can’t be a combination of two things, and you have to stick to the rules someone you don’t know made up. I’ll realize this but fall back into that mindset of wanting to impress fake strangers. I don’t know what I want to get out of writing this maybe just knowing that someone could understand.
I haven’t written anything this meaningful to myself in nearly a month. I’m listening to “Washed Away” from Aaron Gillespie’s new solo album, Anthem Song and this song makes you appreciate everything, like I can feel an energy greater than myself, you know? It’s so refreshing to think back on that little show of his last December at the Main Street Cafe. No matter what he says about “just being a dude,” hearing him speak about his beliefs makes a difference to a lot of people, including me. So I’ll enjoy this spring break and say cheers to writing the first something that meant anything since my last hiatus.
(Listen to the glory that is Aaron Gillespie’s voice.)
September 25, 2010
I decided it would be best to type out a long, open letter to whoever finds it interesting enough to read. I wanted to let you all know that I am officially moving. It’s a bittersweet experience but most people go through it, whether theirs’ lean more towards the bitter or the sweet side of things. I think that my experience is fairly balanced. – I know I’ll feel at ease once I’m away from all this stimulation, I know it will be safer there. While at the same time I am finding that I will truly miss a couple of my friends. It’s funny the way some clichés turn out to be true. There are still so many people here that I wanted to get to know (like the boy down my block who is always clutching his iTouch and riding his bike around the neighborhood)! I’m almost afraid there won’t be enough going on to have adventures like we did tonight.
Tonight was my friend’s birthday. Since her block is quiet and generally safe to roam around we went outside in the front yard around 9:30pm to play four square. Instead we ended up running through the streets and through driveways, sloshing the potato chips in the yellow bowl we had been carrying around, and almost getting into trouble with the neighbors. There was some nostalgia in that. I remember when she was tuning 10 or 11 we went out at night and shook baby powder onto the boys in her street. We ran through and from the dust in the street. I missed that. – But when I think about the lurker-esque guys that Emma had directed us not to look at walking the opposite direction of us girls, I was scared. I was more frightened than I should have been because all nine of us had our cell phones, but what with all the stereotypes of what could happen to a girl it gave me an edge.
I came home in all my new bracelets, the Native American poncho that had been passed down from my great-grandmother, with feathers tied in my hair I felt strange. I came downstairs to find the office almost completely cleaned out, boxes pilling it felt less like home. So I made a playlist titled “just chiillll;” the spelling is silly but I typed it to sound like a sigh.
You should give it a listen here.
September 17, 2010
Where do I begin, really? I’ll start here—
Lately I’ve been making playlists like crazy. I’m currently making a playlist called Cold Feet that features Oceana and Emarosa.
My school year started at the very end of August and my parents and I were initially expecting disaster with the district closing so many schools and combining my middle school with the high school campus. Well, honestly I think it’s been going well considering. I absolutely love my vice principal. All four of the principals respond to any sign of a problem at the snap of a finger, generally without any ranting lectures. There are cute boys to look at from grades above me, and I like my teachers better this year.
The bus rides home are usually the best part of the day not only because I get to return home but because I can come home with the strangest stories. For example one day Hunter yelled, “God, I hate my life!” Then as Peter was getting off at his stop he yelled back, “Not as much as I hate your life!” There a boy named Sam who rides and tends to bring his cute friends along. Sorry I’m going a bit overboard with the eye candy, it’s just that last year there were absolutely none. It was like a barren field.
Today was especially good. Classes were good and I managed to finish most of my homework in class. During art when our teacher called us to gather around her desk so she could demonstrate the next part of the lesson someone from behind me taped my shoulder. I figured it was Trey, trying to annoy me so I ignored it. After the demonstration I sat back down at my table and a cute boy, let’s call him Dylan, complimented my drawing. He’s Mexican, thin, and has a wavy Mohawk-esque haircut and a labret piercing. He’s so cute, -this is cliché- but he’s actually well, bad. And to top it all off when we were leaving class he bumped into me on purpose.
Meanwhile during all my school adventures my parents were still looking for a solution to the school district problems. They knew private school wasn’t a permanent solution. So we looked at a house somewhat in the country yet it’s near a highway so it’s a ten minute drive into another part of the city. It has four bedrooms, an in-ground pool, and a giant kitchen. The schools are fantastic. The curriculum is said to be exceptional. The high school is literally set up as a campus with two different buildings. It sounds really cozy. It’s been an extremely fast process but tomorrow we are getting the keys to the place. I’m nervous. Even though I’ve begun to like my school I am ready for a change, a clean slate with new friends and new people.
June 29, 2010
Almost a month of summer break has passed and I really haven’t done much. I keep thinking about this year’s Warped Tour. I know who I’m seeing and what to expect. If I could only see one band it would have to be You Me At Six. Though I plan on getting in line early so I can see Mayday Parade, Emarosa, VersaEmerge, Pierce The Veil, Automatic Loveletter and maybe a couple of hardcore bands because their fans are usually fun to be around. I’m going with Taylor and Kenzie and maybe her boyfriend Tyler oh and I might meet up with my concert buddy who I’ve ran into a couple times, Kelvin. Warped has to be great this year even if Underoath won’t be there.
I wake up late and watch reruns of “Avatar: The Last Airbender,” the real Avatar that is. I keep peace between my younger siblings and keep the house somewhat clean. My poor dogs are wining because they can’t go outside because our neighbor is tearing her fence down. Did I tell you I got another dog? His name is Zeus and ironically he’s terrified of thunder storms. He is that brindle color and looks really strong but he’s the biggest baby. I love him.
I haven’t been asked to babysit nearly at all this summer, but I guess that’s alright because for the first time in a whole year our family has a little extra money. So my parents agreed to help out with Warped Tour expenses in exchange for my watching the kids every day. Fair enough.
Next month I’m going to be spending a week with my favorite cousins in their giant house topped off with an in ground swimming pool and a trampoline. They live in this suburban neighborhood which is a nice change so I can roam the neighborhood on my own without shoes! I’ll probably see Kenzie and swim a lot (I dislike swimming in public pools because there are too many people and a feel weird wearing a bathing suit). It’ll just be a nice escape. Oh and Jane might take me out sometime this week or the next.
When I get bored I come downstairs into our little office and pull up my iTunes on the computer and create playlists. Right now I’m making a playlist titled “Summer.” It’s going to be a playlist full of songs that sound like summer (in case that wasn’t obvious).
Here is what on the playlist so far:
April 21, 2010
Happy 4/20. Not that I celebrate it but my favorite radio station had been celebrating since 6:30AM this morning. But if you do, go smoke some happy grass.
I wish I could say the things I do with dignity, but I cannot. I am simply an unrespected, horribly awkward thirteen year old girl. Thinking back to the stupid things I say I can’t imagine anyone in my right mind who would want to hang out with me. I am sort of in a state of delirium.
I think I have finally reached a point where I should stop waiting. Our friend Fay told us that if we know we’re waiting for something then keep waiting. The thing is I’m not waiting for anything. More so hoping and I shouldn’t waste time and energy doing nothing but wait. So now my waiting period is up. Starting this evening, I’m going to attempt to put most of my energy into my studies. I don’t have much else to do other than complain about I what don’t have, and so I now newly am crossing out that option.
By the end of the semester (Which is in about 7 weeks. Exciting, right?!) My goal is to get my grade point average up and to boast about it to M since she is always doing unto me. I will not settle for a 3.5 out of a 4.0. I do not want to be just mediocre.
I was walking to a little park with my younger sisters and mom earlier this evening when we passed by Ross from my bus. He looks so much like Bryson from My Life As Liz! Although, he is nothing like Bryson, but he had a cute friend tagging alongside him. Otherwise there isn’t much going on in my life.
April 5, 2010
I feel as if I’m twisted inside out. I feel like I should wring out my skin. It’s awful.
Spring break finally came but now spring break has ended. My short escape from reality has ended. I hid away in my room for days reading Fight Club and the late nights watching Donnie Darko and waking up at 10am. Since we recently got Netflix I would go down to the basement to watch Skins, a TV series in the UK, on the computer and ended up finishing the whole first season in two days. I went on walks and enjoyed the warm weather. I felt the wind blow my hair across my face and had arguments with my younger siblings. My spring break sufficed.
Why do the getaways end so quickly when reality drones on? Cram packed with people you don’t care for and don’t want to see, school days with tests and shithead math teachers, and then you have to remember that you are really young and there is hardly anyone your age who likes the same bizzaro stuff as you so you want to avoid your so-called “friends”. You come home and do your homework, practically skip dinner because it’s the same thing every night, and then you go to bed only to wake up the next morning and repeat the same procedure. Yep, story of my life.
I suppose a little break is better than no break at all. I sat in my room and listened to my iPod on shuffle for a little while. The sun peaked through my black window curtain onto my notebooks paper. I watched the black ink of my pen new rollerball pen bleed through the paper. Writing meaningless words, but I liked the way the pen moved so easily across the paper. I suppose I should realize more of the little moments like that, but when that’s all you can think about to get yourself through the next day you start to wonder, what’s the point? I mean the point of any of this? What’s the point of getting an education, the point of getting a job, the point of getting a house, the point having a family, what’s the point of life? Then as you simplify everything you begin to realize there isn’t one. And all of this came from being upset that spring break is over.
Song of the Day – Death March on Two, Ready? by Envy On The Coast