March 13, 2010
Listening to Cobra Starship makes me extremely happy. When they streamed their live performance in Seattle or wherever for the Christmas radio show I cranked the volume up super loud. All my family had gone to sleep while I danced around, by myself to Cobra Starship. My mom actually had to come downstairs and ask me to turn the volume down. Cobra Starship is going to be touring with 3OH!3 in May and I want to go to their date scheduled here.
I am quite glad it is Friday. I am one week closer to the Manchester Orchestra concert next Friday and 10 days closer to the HOLY Mountain concert and two weeks closer to spring break. I have escaped from my ridiculously irking math teacher, but owe her homework on Monday. I have escaped the clutches of my strict geography teacher and the tense atmosphere in her classroom. I have escaped PE because well, PE really sucks and my couch seems not to be very emotionally strong. And I have escaped science class and all the F’s I have received this week (probably lowering my grade to a C).
Tonight I feel like settling down and detoxing from another not so great week by watching Across The Universe (I feel like singing along to “With A Little Help From My Friends”). M has constantly been telling me how “different” and “strange” I have been acting and correcting my every word. I’m just like, STFU.
Why is everyone so fucking offended by my actions and joking around? I mean I don’t even make rude jokes all I’m doing is dancing around and having fun. Sometimes it’s good to loosen up, and I just take every day like it’s a party (but not really). But whatever I guess.
I know this weekend will go by quick, but it’s worth the short break.
February 11, 2010
You know, if I did half of the crazy schemes I thought up my parents would probably put me away in an insane asylum. I can’t help these thoughts, there are too many tools at my school always pissing me off making me spit fowl names. Forget the rules, I want to fight. These immature nimrods are so unknowledgeable and inappropriate they leave me fuming. Hell, I don’t even know most of their names and I still find myself yearning to start a verbal fight or if I’m in the mood a physical fight.
Today was a half day and nothing went especially wrong. Our gymnasium is still flooded so instead of a pre-Valentine’s Day dance we watched the movie Fame in the auditorium. Reaaal nice. The boys sitting behind me wouldn’t stop yelling out about the actors who had the talent of dance were “gay.” That really set me off. One of them, a kid named Reginald kept placing his feet on the back of my seat and I could feel it like a push in my back. I whipped around and said real serious, “Can you please get your feet off of my seat?” Though, it was more of an order rather than a question. “Man, I’m not even messing wit’ you,” Reginald complained. I looked at him with wide eyes and dumbed down my tone of voice, “I know you’re not but it’s BUGGING ME ,” I finished slowly. “Man,” he said smacking his lips. Ah, sweet, sweet satisfaction.
I didn’t much understand why they made us go to lunch since we were released at 10:40AM so I didn’t eat anything. A group of annoying girls who think they are “the shit” invaded our table. It became silent. The girls went on to talk about sex and teased my friend Max. I just can’t even. They even asked if my friend E still had her “V card.” When it was time to leave I turned to my friend A and said, “I feel like singing a You Me At Six song.” I went on to sing a lyric from the song “Save It For The Bedroom”. “You whoooorrreee,” I smiled. If only they knew.
January 11, 2010
I feel like rambling. When I write on my blog it makes me think someone is actually listening to me for once. It is so pointless talking to anyone whenever I have something important to say. They don’t listen. I believe that is why I enjoy writing so much, because even though no one may be reading I feel that someone may be reading. I know that my family and friends love me but they make me feel like I’m not important enough to be heard. So my goal this year is to find an amazing friend, and especially a friend who is a good listener.
School is back in session, after a whole extra week off because of mass amounts of snow. While I was putting my bag away in my locker everyone else was screaming and hugging each other. It made me think, are you honestly excited to be back here? I didn’t mind being away from my friends. We are not the same people we were in grade 1. I want to let go, but they are like a band-aid that is stuck to the hair on my arm. I should pull it off quick though that would be useless at this school full of clones that would treat me worse. – Okay E can be better at times.
School is just so overwhelming. Sometimes I could be the school’s valedictorian who studies hard and has math as my forte and well as English. But the other half of me doesn’t want to do anything regarding school. The kids are mean and I absolutely loathe math class because I feel like such a dumbass. But whatever, you know.
I want summer to be here. I want to run in the heat, and meet a nice stranger at a concert, and visit Kenzie, and earn money, and go shopping, and enjoy Warped Tour.
In music news: I have been listening to Circa Survive lately. This is my favorite song of theirs. http://www.playlist.com/searchbeta/tracks#Stop%20The%20Fuckin’%20Car
“Your face is light and cocaine white.”
December 23, 2009
I am frustrated with myself. Immensely. The thing is, I can’t seem to push myself enough. I want someone to yell at me and tell me I have to do this. I cannot simply ‘quit’ again because I became bored. I wish someone would tell me I need to pick up my guitar again.
I have all these plans for 2010, but I know they won’t happen if I don’t have a little help. My guitar lessons stopped. Joe, my teacher, is moving back to Jersey with his family. When I found out I began sitting in front of a computer screen on Tumblr more. My finger sores and almost-fingertip calluses have healed and now you can barely tell I ever played a single note in my life. I honestly don’t know what happened. I have to start somewhere but I feel the need to rush and reach for anything that takes time. My guitar teacher and I had a certain way of communicating. For example, we both have trouble summing up literal things, sounds, or feelings into words. I would understand exactly what he was trying to say if he said, “It sounds kind of…”
“Melancholy?” I once finished.
I remember a few weeks ago I sat back down and picked up my guitar, Janelle. She looked so lonely and her shiny black paint coat was tempting me. First I tuned her and then I went over the basics; notes, chords, songs, music I had written. It felt so good to feel the pulse in my aching finger tips. I wanted to play until the skin on my fingertips started to peal so I could reclaim my almost-calluses, but of course that didn’t happen. I told myself I would come back down the next night… but I didn’t. So I have to be mentally forceful to myself if I am going to get anywhere.
It made me so angry when I found out my friend’s older brother got a Fender electric guitar for his birthday. He’s supposedly going to start a band. He and his Mohawk can take a hike because honestly I know his soon-to-be-band will not get anywhere. I say that not to be completely rude or doubtful, but if anyone deserves getting somewhere I believe it should be me. I want my fingers to glide across the neck of my guitar like some magician. I want to be the greatest. I suppose I should use this winter break to brush up and actually start somewhere.
Song of the Day – Cold Desert by Kings Of Leon [it’s a link]
November 25, 2009
I am back to the music that gives me chills and sends a satisfactory feeling in my gut of both hurt and understanding. Like anything else, my words fail. The music holds its arms out to me welcoming me, speaking for me. Underoath is the name it goes by. Spencer Chamberlain’s screams block everything else out as well as Aaron’s loud drum playing and the fast and heavy guitars topped off with a great bass. It isn’t loud enough, and I need more. I want so badly for it to block the world out and consume me, overwhelm me. I want for it to banish all feeling except for the rush of adrenaline you feel like when you are running away from someone so fast you can’t skid to a stop.
I hope to God you come down/I hope to God you feel this now. Aaron but I won’t, and I can’t, and I refuse! I want to feel a rush and if that’s what I want I will find a way to have it. I need it. I need to feel something other then this sadness that lags me and pulls my down into an abyss of nothingness.
I wrote that. I don’t even know which direction I’m going anymore. I just feel so lifeless and I am a restless person. I don’t even know what I want, but I can’t seem to find it.
First of all, this was beautifully written. Underoath has a way about them that just captures you. Second, you need to relax. I’m guessing you’re young; you have a lot of time. Have faith that you’ll eventually find what ever it is you’re looking for.
— Thank you to youmaybeoffended for that answer. You’ll never know who wrote that on your Formspring, but that might be a good thing. I am feeling better than I did last night. I trust your words and I will indeed take a chill pill.
November 19, 2009
Hi again. Did you like my Cage The Elephant concert story? Feel free to comment on the post and tell me what you liked best. Not that anyone ever reads this blog. I was looking back at a couple of my posts from last November and I feel pretty proud. My writing has improved immensely in the past year. I’m not sure what I would have done or what my writing would still look like without this blog. So thank you to Emily, Hannah, Jane, and my mother for helping me edit it.
Time for a rant. I just don’t understand. At the beginning of the year we spoke regularly and she seemed like a really nice girl. We became friends during summer school and since then we have hung out a few times outside of school. Now she doesn’t even want to sit with me at lunch. Okay, it really isn’t a big deal but my problem with her is this.
All of the sudden she calls herself fluffy (in other words, chubby) and talks herself down. I know that was me once but I have since then stopped. I haven’t even stepped on a scale in a couple weeks. And now she hangs around the really tiny, prissy girls in school. That’s what frustrates me most. Hon, you can’t make yourself into something you’re not.
In example, while we were playing Frisbee in PE today I was put onto their team. The whole while we are playing Frisbee the girls are taking these baby steps, practically handing the frisby to each other, fiddling with their hair. You know what, maybe she is more like them then I realized. End of rant.
Tomorrow Kenize will be up to take me to the All Time Low, Glamour Kills tour. I am excited, but I can’t picture what will happen or what the show will be like. Though I do know it cannot beat Cage The Elephant.
Not quite the song of the day, but either way indulge.
November 5, 2009
I don’t understand. Why does everyone keep asking me the same question? I am fine. [Mostly.]
Neither do I understand why I feel this way. I know life is sad but it goes on. Though, it is so unjust and I can’t and won’t get over it. I feel like I could get sick. I should be fine, but I’m not. – And this is coming from the girl who dismisses everyone else’s feelings. I am sorry.
I am jealous. I don’t even remember her name, but I am jealous of her. Taylor is effortlessly cool and I want to be her best friend, not the other girl. Whenever I see them talking in the hall I avert my eyes and look down at my feet. I do not say a word to Taylor. Sure there is the occasional “hey” or “hi” when passing each other in the hall before class starts, but that is not the same as an actual conversation I that I have had with her seldom. Or maybe I just don’t have the guts. Like I said, she is effortlessly cool while I look at my feet and wish and hope.
I guess she probably won’t come see All Time Low with me because we haven’t even hung out. I daydream too much. Jenee, I know you found a girl as equally awesome in your old schools, but there aren’t any in mine. I am really not trying to be a downer, but whatever. I am just so frustrated with everything.
Like Paramore’s debut album, All We Know Is Falling.
Song of the Day – “Conspiracy” by Paramore
September 27, 2009
I am so restless. I looked up the color meanings of my mood ring because mine is always brown. Yes, brown does mean restless, but I still think mood rings are dirty liars. I often find myself complaining that I am bored, though my mother pointed out that the word I am looking for is “restless”. You know, I think she is right.
There is always something to do, but it’s just that that something isn’t usually exciting or interesting. It has to be worth my time. I really don’t know what I want. I am just confused. All I know is that I want something different to happen. Every day feels the same. Wake up, shower, brush my teeth, get dressed; eat breakfast; go to school et cetera.
I have also noticed that the stories I write are usually what I want to do or the main character contains an element of me. I don’t know any different. I haven’t any idea what to make the character like and dislike because I know nothing else than what I care about. Actually that is wrong, I just don’t want my characters liking things like Aeropostal shirts and cabana boys.
My mom thinks I should volunteer to do something that will not only impact other people, but will make me feel good. That might help, but you know, I think I have almost lost that feeling completely. Sure I might have something different going on each weekend or a new assignment due everyday, but I feel the same inside. Nothing thrills me. While some people take comfort in having a schedule, I like for my schedule to change up. For example, my dad finds it comforting to watch the same movie seven or eight times in a row. I like to see new movies.
I don’t know what to do about this problem. Whenever I find something that makes me a little happy, if only for a day, I think how it doesn’t matter. If everyone in the world dies tomorrow, the universe wouldn’t care. Life goes on and everything I do feels so worthless and silly. I don’t know what I want. I am so restless.
Song of the Day – “Chemical Kids and Mechancial Brides” by Pierce The Veil www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dlbYEOme7E
September 24, 2009
She loves everybody.
After that little bump in the road last night, things were cleared up. I doubted her a little, but I guess she was just trying to be considerate. Well, it seems the “bump in the road” is determined to haunt me. I really do wish I had the nerve to say how much I want completely new friends so I guess this is the end of us. But she loves everybody, and she won’t let me go.
I think my favorite part about watching band interviews is seeing how much fun they have together. Their smiling joking faces; sitting with good friends. I think that was one of the reasons I wanted to be in a band for a while. But I changed my mind. My head might be in it, but my heart isn’t. I know it’s a long ways away, but I like plan ahead.
Anyway, I was talking to Taylor in the hall at the end of the day (that’s the girl whom I have similarities with, by the way). Yesterday I finally asked her if we could hang out sometime, and I mentioned the art fair this weekend. Well “the bump in the road” comes over and introduces herself. The whole idea of talking to Taylor, trying to get to know her, was to branch out and in particular, keep “the bump in the road” out of it.
I knew she would say something. She loves everybody. We got outside of the school building to look for our bus among the mass of kids and twenty or so busses and she said it. (No shit, there are in fact at least twenty busses. The reason for this is because we drive to the high school afterwards.) “Hey, you know that girl we were taking to? I kinda wanna be her friend since you guys are hanging out.” I just stayed silent because I know, and now you know that she loves everybody.