I’m still alive

January 15, 2011

Hey readers, I realize I haven’t updated lately.  That’s because I’ve been writing on other private blogs and in my journal.  These past four months have been extremely stressful since I’ve moved to a small town and had to learn how to make new friends (which is still a work in progress) and get comfortable with this change of setting.  I thought since a new year has begun and it seemed as if I’d abandoned this blog, I’d make a new one that I would update regularly.  If you’d like the link just comment and I’ll send it to ya.

I hope all is well.

August 13, 2010

, originally uploaded by sadie w. harris.

I like this picture a lot. I’d also like a film camera.

“I haven’t smiled since the day you went away.”

March 10, 2010

Thank the gods for me listening to happy music because otherwise the nightmares might really throw a sucker-punch to my face. Let’s go back to the beginning.

Out of the blue, Monday night I had a bad nightmare. The type where you are so consumed by fear you want to crawl into a hole and die. In the first nightmare I was constantly trying to run away from a man who I somehow knew was a rapist. After a while I couldn’t find anything else to protect me. The fear was too great and all I wanted to do was kill it. I know this will sound really horrible, but I felt like if I killed myself the fear would go away and he wouldn’t be able to get me. The second nightmare was practically a new rendition of the last one. In the second nightmare, I dreamt that our friend wanted to go see a movie with me. She was coming to get me when the rapist got a hold of her. As Percy Jackson would say, I woke up with a start.

I used to hate sleeping because I felt it was a waste of time. I have always had the worst dreams; dreams involving zombies and kidnappers, most everything I fear. For a while I stopped dreaming. I had completely forgotten what it was like to wake from a nightmare either in a cold sweat or shaking. Now I remember and I never want to sleep.

Song of the Day – Distant Heart by Mindy White (it’s a youtube click through link)

Confessions of a shopaholic

December 13, 2009

For me, I find spending my money therapeutic. I will wait until I have at least $100 and burn a whole in my pocket, spending almost every last cent. I am an obsessive power shopper who can’t stand to save her money. – I will tell it to you straight. I do not have a bank account. I do not have money saved. I earn my money babysitting. I have no money saved for college. My parents are broke. I am now broke.

I am a greedy person who spends too freely. I am a hopeless shopaholic and I hate it. I am an impulse buyer, though most of the time I like what I purchase I need to slow down. I still want more, and for that I am greedy. I have a desire to replace all of my old with new. I really need to slow down. Take my money away from me, hide it away and lock it up.

I think I do this because when I am shopping it takes my mind off of things or gives me something to do. When I get this explanation it only reinforces the fact that I NEED new friends. Friends that aren’t family, friends that aren’t too much older than me, friends that have similar music tastes and me, friends that aren’t afraid to look like dorks, friends who are okay with themselves, friends that stick with me, friends that talk to me, and most importantly, friends that I feel comfortable around and enjoy hanging out with. – After this I feel silly for acting so weirdly desperate.

So teach me, how do you find people you know you want to be friends with?

If you’re a bird, then I’m a bird.

December 8, 2009

If you’re a bird, then I am a bird.

The song “We Are Birds” has been on replay in my head all evening. Brighten are another one of my recent loves. Justin Richards has such an angelic voice, it’s so cooing and sweet. Yet at the same time this song has a tinge of sadness when you hear it. It is a love song, but hear a slight catch in Justin’s voice. The guitar is strumming softly in the background.

This song fits me perfectly. There is always a catch. I will keep living, I will keep walking, but everyday is a replay a shadow of the last one. Same routine, same plan. Just make it another day and you’ll be fine. When this all blows over you will be glad you made it through. Anne, I wish you would have waited. I still look back. While most of us are rebounding, Max and Eva won’t and they never fully will. Jane, I am listening to you. I will not let this sadness become me and I have gotten over most of it. Though similar to “We Are Birds” there is still a pinch of sadness.

I smile when I think of the Meet The Robinsons motto, “Keep moving forward.” As you may have noticed this post is an endeavor of self encouragement. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself or give you any bullshit about being “depressed” because that is not what I am doing at all. No in fact, I find comfort in writing out what I feel and since I have not written on this blog o’ mine recently, I decided why not put this post out.

Anyway I would love if everyone who read this post will listen to these two songs.  \”We Are Birds\” Mindy White (cover) and \”We Are Birds\” by Brighten. (click the words, it’s a click-through link)


November 22, 2009


I don’t want to attend school tomorrow. Sure I only have two days of school this week, but tomorrow I have three tests and I am procrastinating because I hate the very thought of homework. It’s alright, the day is still young.

I am looking forward to the five day weekend that is coming up. Thanksgiving is a nice holiday, but I don’t care much for it. As long as I have a peanut butter and nutella sandwich I’m fine. I have a little spending money and I really should save it, but I’m no good at that so I will instead spend some of it. I was thinking about buying a book called “Look For Alaska” by John Green and I don’t know what else, maybe something from Urban Outfitters. I mainly like being out of the house.

I am trying to write my concert story about the All Time Low show I was at Friday night. It was great, but I just want to rush into the part where I met Travis and Hunter from We he Kings and Zack and Alex from All Time Low. It was a great show and I have not sweat that much since I was at Warped Tour.

I saw New Moon yesterday afternoon. It was a lot better than Twilight, but it was still a bit cheesy. What annoyed me most was Bella and Edward’s loud kissing, that was just gross. I think I am team Jacob, now but I may still be Switzerland. After the movie I went straight to babysitting, but it was alright because I ended up earning thirty-five dollars.

I have been listening to music of course and to welcome the winter that will soon be here I have picked out a song for you all to sing along to. Here ya go.

Hi blog!

November 18, 2009

Hello again, I am sorry for the short hiatus. I promise to try and write on here more often. Though, I haven’t abandoned the form of writing, no actually I have been writing a bunch of stories which I am still editing with the help of Jane. I have a few finished concert stories but I am still wavering if I should post any on this blog anymore, no one read them.

Anyway- yesterday was my birthday and I officially became a teenager, but I don’t feel much different. A family friend of mine, Kristy, called and wished me a happy birthday and said, “Dude like the whole time I’ve known you, you have been twenty-five.” That kind of made me smile because whenever I think of myself, I cannot come to terms with labeling myself with a number. Though, I don’t think very straight forward to start. Not saying that I am mental or anything, but I always have some new perspective or outlook on something. -Back to the birthday talk.- I received a new, purple To Write Love On Her Arms hoodie because I grew out of my by black one. It came with this sweet photo card of Aaron Gillespie wearing the “Wake Up, You’re Alive” tee. It made me really happy!

This past Saturday I saw Cage The Elephant and I ended up in the first row because everyone got there late. I was so happy because Matt kept leaning down on me while he sang since I was pressed into the dead center of the stage without a metal rail to hold me back. (Okay, maybe I’ll post that concert story.) I also saw Paramore again a week or two before that which was also very fun. And this Friday Kenzie, my cousin is coming back up to take me to see All Time Low on the Glamour Kills tour.

Other than that, school has been going alright. I have good grades and I have just began reading “The Hunger Games” for Language Arts. I honestly don’t talk to Taylor much anymore, but for you Hannah, I will. But I did meet another girl named Oahn who is really nice and outgoing. She was actually the first person to wish me a happy birthday on Monday.

I suppose that ends my post of ramblings. I don’t have much else to say other than listen to this.

I’m glowing and fading at the same time. This must mean something good.

October 20, 2009

You can often find me smiling to myself lately. Just over little things, really. Like last night I came home from a babysitting gig and my dad handed me this book of papers crudely stapled together. When I saw the cover, I instantly remembered it. I had drawn this book of Asian girls in something like the first or second grade and had made a collection of them. I drew them as beautifully as I could and gave them each a list of hobbies.

While I looked over each page, I had this big grin spread wide across my face. I laughed at the names I had given my drawings. As racist as this sounds, I tried to give them really ‘Asian sounding’ names, it was pretty ridiculous. I was laughing so hard I started crying. It was a good thing, too because I was ready to cry a set of happy tears anyway, but this way I could hide those silly tears. Then my parents and I remembered another character I used to draw. His name was Master Monkey. He killed people. I would draw this monkey with a top hat and there would be a pool of blood on the floor and a picture of his victim. — Gosh, this makes me burst with laughter.

And take right now, this moment, for another example. I am listening to “What’s My Age Again” by Blink-182. The beginning of that song is so great, I can’t even describe the feeling that builds up in my gut. Though, it’s the same with any good song you want to stop and listen to and remember. In the words of Charlie from The Perks Of Being a Wallflower, “I feel infinite.”

Lately I have been feeling pretty great. I want to document some of these moments on paper (like in my empty journal) but then I realize these things are just too long to summarize. And you know, if these things are important enough they won’t blur into every other day like they usually do.

(Right now I feel so strung out on these songs.) Songs of the Day – “Tigers and Sharks” by You Me At Six and “What’s My Age Again?” by Blink-182. http://www.playlist.com/searchbeta/tracks#tigers%20and%20sharks%20you%20me%20at%20six

Where do you get off?

September 20, 2009

I never realized how lonely I was until last night. I just wish to always be out and about so I can talk to all the random sales people.

My “friends” and I are growing apart and I am quite glad, but now I have to hunt for a new friend or two. Being with the same people for so long gets annoying. They become siblings after a while. That’s why I don’t hang out with them on the weekends or give them a call just to talk about nothing. I have seen their true colors. Their bad attitudes or their foolish wants to aspire to be just like “such and such”. Trying too hard, and not letting themselves have fun.

One of my “friends” once said she was embarrassed to be my friend because I like to joke around and act silly. I told her then maybe she wasn’t a real friend. I don’t think she realized how serious I was and that, that remark had hurt my feelings. When I think about how I am a much better friend to them, I have all the right to say no to all their invitations. I know what it feels like to be picked on so I don’t do it back.

 I suppose now that I am in this big school, I should take advantage of the fact that I could be meeting a bunch of new people. And I am trying, I’m just not good at the talking part. I mean, I want to talk to them and attempt to start conversations, but I am still at that awkward stage. You know where if you say too much then you sound desperate and clingy and if you don’t say enough you sound quiet and boring. I usually get the quiet and boring response. What kids don’t understand is, it’s not necessarily that I’m quiet, it’s just that I don’t want to talk to you. Yeah, I am kind of mean but I am very conscious of who I make friends with because I have so many standards I want them to pass. I know this is silly but I finally want a friend I can talk to relate to.

On a different note, I straightened my hair yesterday. It looks alright, but I want to cut it. Layer it and possibly go shorter. I’m just afraid that when it’s curly I won’t like it. My mom of course thinks it’s a good idea, though I am still on the fence (as you can tell).

Friday night I discovered a cover of Lady GaGa’s “Poker Face” by You Me At Six and I can’t stop listening to it! Indulge. Song Of The Day – “Poker Face” by You Me At Six http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1CNnya3qJE

My eyes are tired, but I’ll stay awake for this last day of summer.

August 23, 2009

School starts tomorrow and I am still nervous. I have a headache right now. I’m trying to go without taking an Ibuprofen of Tylenol because I don’t want to get too dependant on them. I’m almost finished with “The Perks Of Being a Wallflower” and I love it. Yesterday I painted my nails with glittery nail polish. You can’t see anything other than the cleance Inside”ar coating and sparkles. When I think back to when I bought it, it was two days before Warped Tour. When I think about Warped Tour I think about how much I will soon be missing summer. I wish I could redo my summer and be more adventurous and do something really fun or meaningful, but I can’t. I suppose I shall just begin planning for next year.

I was listening to The Academy Is…’s album Fast Times At Barrington High this morning and thinking how much of a summer album it is. I was thinking about the song “Summer Hair = Forever Young” in particular (can you guess why?). I actually like the fall and winter much better than summer, but knowing that I don’t have school or homework to worry about the next day is always a nice feeling. I started singing it to my younger sister and decided I would just play it for all to hear. So I stuck the album into my sisters’ Hello Kitty CD player and listened to the whole album three times through.

The first time I sat in the kitchen and sang along in a whisper. The next time I played it while I was reading. The third time I listened to it during the car ride to the Ethnic Festival. (At the Ethnic Festival I came across some beautiful Kokeshi Dolls. I’ll post my pictures soon, but in the meantime you should read bout them. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kokeshi) It has been another one of those melancholy days.

Despite the fact I talked about The Academy Is… (and even wore my concert T-shirt today) in this post, the Song Of The Day is “Dance Inside” by The All-American Rejects. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VKkLKTnlu0