I like secrets ’cause they keep me in line.

August 13, 2009

I wish I could play dead like Johnny Quid. Johnny knows a good RocknRolla is worth more as a dead man, so his record sales go up. Johnny is a clever junkie, but like any junkie, you can’t trust him. Why do I want to play dead? Simple, my summer is almost over and soon I’ll be heading to this unfamiliar new school. Wandering the halls mostly alone and probably keeping to myself most of the time.

I want to keep looking back to last Tuesday and thinking how quick a week goes by. Time is very frustrating. I have realized time almost always does the opposite of what you want it to do. I know school won’t be completely miserable, but I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m nervous like anyone else. I have my school supplies, some new clothes and a new pair of shoes (all black Authentic Vans to be exact), and my school books. Everything is set and I want to pretend like nothing is going on.

Yesterday was my school orientation. A woman in the office told me where to go to be assigned a locker and be given my books. It was overwhelming and I most likely blocked out what she was saying. “Where do we go?” my mom asked me. I shrugged my shoulders and replied, “I don’t know.” Why is it that whatever advice or direction someone gives me, it goes in one ear and right out the other? Oh right, because I’m in denial.

Sighing is nice. It feels like I’m releasing a bunch of toxins that had been in my lungs. I sigh often now. I am melodramatic and slightly hystrerical. What are ya gonna do?

Song Of The Day – “Finders Keepers” by You Me At Six http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J36je4NC4zo


I’m sinking like a stone in the sea.

June 6, 2009

6/6/09

I keep taking deep breaths because it feels like forgot how to breathe. I breathe too slow or to quick; not taking in enough oxygen or too much air. During the school year my little brother would breathe through his mouth heavily. Sometimes he would cry at night and I didn’t know why. It annoyed me terribly and I kept trying to explain to him why he didn’t need to breathe that way. Now I know the feeling. All of the sudden in the middle of the day I think, I don’t know what to do. You are probably thinking, About what? Well, I don’t know either. I just feel so utterly overwhelmed by everything. It’s summer time, right? I shouldn’t bother having to feel this way, but I do. And I am scared. I don’t know what will happen in a few hours or even a few days. Nobody really does. I mean, you might have a few events mapped out, but you don’t know what those moments of the day will feel like.

I went to my mother for advice and what she said was, “Just go and babysit. Once when you get home you can figure out what to do next.” I liked this idea, but this is all new for me. I’m used to planning out my day and setting goals, whether I realized it or not. This unpredictable schedule is throwing me off a bit. Today, I don’t want this day to slip away from me like all the other days do. Wasted and chasing time. Please time, stand still for only a day or two.

Brand New’s album Deja Entendu feels like my soundtrack. The events probably don’t quite match up, but the instrumentals capture my mood. In some songs Jesse Lacey almost whispers and I turn up my volume to savor his words. Especially in “Tautou”, which is one of my favorites though it’s only a minute and a half long.

I want to make this day last, but I don’t seem to know how. All I know is that I don’t want Monday to come. Please, not yet. If everyday was Saturday then I’d be fine with that. I’m still confused why I’m scared of what is next to come….