Are we all lost causes?

January 14, 2010

I don’t deserve anything I have. All the records I put forth my own money to purchase, my favorite grey sweater, and my favorite feather pillow with a deep green case. What have I ever done for anyone else?

I want to change the way I react to things. I know it is because of the build up of all the events of my day, but those feelings come out all wrong. Like tonight when I got mad at my little sister. I hurt her and she started crying and I had this smug grin spread my face. I’ll be honest- I am a bit sadistic, but I do feel bad afterwards. Though I know the next time I get mad my reaction won’t be much better. You can’t smother who you are, you can only bury it.

Today in geography class I heard about the earthquake in Haiti. (We are working on a writing piece about the earthquake.) Those people have nothing and suffer on a daily basis from poverty. They deserve what I have, a warm bed to sleep in, food on the table, and a cozy grey sweater. I know someone in that country is deserving of that.

Can you even believe it was a 7.0 earthquake? In geography class we looked at a map of tectonic plates and the earthquake wasn’t deep but Haiti was practically sitting on the Caribbean plate boundary so they got the worst of the plate shifting. And to think, they were just preparing for hurricane season when this hit. It’s estimated over 3 million people were killed, injured, or trapped underneath buildings. One of the worst parts, every single road is blocked and there is hardly anything we can do at the moment with an aftershock soon to hit.

When I told the news to my parents, trying to start conversation or debate the topic, the news didn’t seem to bother them at all. And that crushed me. I feel horrible and nothing has even happened to me. Now I sit here hoping the sound of Stephen Christian’s voice in “*Fin” will soothe me.

“Empty is the sky before the sun wakes up.
Empty is the eyes of the animals in the cages.
Empty are the faces of women in mourning
when everything has be taken from them.
Me? Don’t ask me about empty.” – Chiodos

Maybe “finding yourself” is part of the process as well.

April 11, 2009


You’re so brilliant, don’t soon forget. You’re so brilliant, grace marked your heart. — Anberlin “The Unwinding Cable Car”

These words stain me in the best possible way. Though if anyone were to ever say them to me, they would sound fake. Untrue and dishonest. Cheesy, even. These words are not meant to be repeated, for the purpose would dull. I’m just a dreamer. It seems vivid fantasies dance through my head. Words etch themselves across my skull. I create plots and scenes for movies or books I will never write. I am impatient and I have no idea what to do with these ideas. I dream I’ll become a guitarist. Sometimes I even write out interviews I’d have with people in my head. Things I would say onstage. Music racks through my brain and occasionally they will escape my lips in the form of a hum. I live in my head and in the best moments of the past. After each concert I try hard to remember each feeling and moment I witnessed or felt. And I don’t think I’ll ever officially realize the past is over. I close my eyes and become lost in thought.

Rid Me Of This Feeling

February 15, 2009


I’ve got an unquenchable feeling of uncertainty. I feel it when I fall asleep at night, I hope it will not wake up to it in the morning. I feel out of place with this feeling. Like I could use it to do something daring, something that the regular Phoenixx wouldn’t do. Maybe I’m just stressing myself out for no reason. Have you ever gotten the feeling where it feels like the skin over your ribcage is tightening? That happens to me when I’m hungry and occasionally when I’m stressing. I don’t understand myself fully. One day I’m, lighting the room with my smile, the next I’m sulking because I can’t find reason in ANYTHING. Some days I don’t know what I’m worried about. Though it could be everything. There is always something wrong with the picture you see. Whether it’s small or large, but the world is obviously an imperfect place.

Music is my cure for all of that. My medicine. My hate notes. My excitement. My everything. Music is there for me. If I’m happy I “head bang” to some Paramore, if I’m feeling angry I turn on My Chemical Romance’s first album (“I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love”) and blast “Our Lady of Sorrows” while screaming the lyrics. If I’m feeling whimsical and lighthearted I might fancy for some MGMT or Vampire Weekend. If I want to dance I’ll turn on the Gym Class Heroes. Feeling indie, maybe Radiohead, Straylight Run, or Lovedrug. Needing to relax I’ll play my Feist (“The Water” is my personal favorite). Anberlin just makes me want to take a minute and think about the lyrics then get back up and jump around. The Academy Is… is a good definition of pop punk. Punk but not to ranting instead, poppy, definitely something you could jump to. Maybe I should just turn on some music. Though it will only push back problems, but maybe that’s what I want.

“You gotta swim, and swim when it hurts.” — Jack’s Manequinn

“Can’t walk it off, can’t come clean.” — Lovedrug

The Night the Buzz Stole Christmas

December 12, 2008

Band Line up: Vedera, Airborne Toxic Event, Gaslight Anthem, Anberlin, The Eagles of Death Metal, and last but not least Jack’s Mannequin.

I arrived to a beautiful restored old building, which I knew would hold great memories. I show the bouncer, at the  top of the stairs, my ticket allowing me to go down to the floor seats. I scope it out looking for the best “seats”. As the Airborne Toxic Event finished their last two songs (one of them being “Sometime Around Midnight”) I was trying to figure out why they were on so early. I had a nice view of the amazing stage by the railings. Airborne Toxic Event were pretty good, they have a nice, calm, slow sound, they sound similar to Snow Patrol actually. Yet, the players didn’t seem so energetic. When I come to a concert I expect to see bands giving an enthusiastic performance along with phenomenal sound. I was surprised Airborne Toxic Event had played so early. Vedera was first in the line up, right? I later found that they were ill and unable to make it to this show. I shuffled around looking for a closer standing point by the stage in time for Anberlin’s performance. I found a nice spot and stuck with it.

Gaslight Anthem walked on stage. The lead singer walked toward the microphone and announced they were another couple of boys from New Jersey. To be honest I don’t know what they opened with seeing that I can’t really be called a “fan”. Though they crowd often screamed for the song “Drive” which is obviously popular and crowd favorite. I enjoyed them bobbing my head to their music. Gaslight Anthem were great his voice is pure and the guitar players were energetic. Though it was quite hard for me to pay attention to Gaslight Anthem while waiting to see Anberlin. Especially since I had a “seat” right up by the stage. The minute I saw them I knew my mom would say, “They are so CUTE!” I jumped around a little, trying to save my energy for the next band. Like most people my eyes tend to follow the lead singer, though this time it was a bit tough. A couple “rows” in front of me, a tall guy with dark hair, blocked most of my view of him. I often arched my feet standing on my tip-toes, attempting to keep my balance.

Another intermission and brighter lights turned back on once more. I dragged my feet back to my mother, Tracey, and Roxann. We chatted for a couple minutes about the band and what we had noticed from people watching. Believe it or not my mom said “The guys from Gaslight Anthem are too cute!” The longer we stayed chatting, my old space had closed in with more people. I was mad at myself for leaving my seat behind. It was stupid, why had I done that? I balancing on my tip-toes franticly looking for other places I could squeeze in. Anberlin were soon to be on stage I worried, though I had a little bit of hope. There was space, but no way to get in. A guy with auburn, average length hair, a little scruff, he wasn’t very tall, guessing he was about twenty, in an Anbelrin T-shirt next to me said, “You just want closer seats?” “Yeah.” I replied, hoping he could help. “Here, lemme see.” he jumped off the floor for a moment and pointed, “Right over there… it’s shorter.” I tried to nudge my way through a couple of girls, no luck. “Want me to go first?” “Yes.” I replied. He used his shoulder to make a path as his girlfriend and I followed him through the path. Two girls stand side by side in front of me with a nice space right in front of them. He asks, “Can she scoot right up there?” one of them turns and looks at me, she smiles, shakes her head and says, “No.” Hatred filled me it annoyed me like heck the way she looked at me and smiled. We moved over a little “Can you see better here?” he asked. “Yes, thank you.” I answered. The lights went out, people screamed uncontrollably. Lights flickered all over the stage readying a big entrance as the members came on and grabbed their instruments. I screamed as loud as I could.

Anberlin opened with “Paper Thin Hymn”, as they started playing… MOSH PIT. I’d never seen one up close. Guys rammed into each other with grinning faces and Santa Clause hats atop their heads. My shoulder was bumped several times; I overheard a girl say, “They are so hardcore, man!” I giggled to myself. I couldn’t look away from the mosh pit and loose my guard, finally a dude comes flying at the guy who helped me with auburn hair. He shoved him back as hard as he could and turned to me, “You alright?” he asked “Um, yeah.” I said out of breath. I was glad he was there to keep me safe for the moment. I see my mother’s face appear in teh crowd and she yells, “You okay?” I nod my head and enjoy the music. I turn back to the stage and watch their amazing performance. Stephen Christian, the lead singer, leans down onto the crowd. I almost have a heart attack. I reach to touch him, unfortunately my arms weren’t long enough. Songs went on including “Hello Alone”, “Feel Good Drag”, and “Dismantle. Repair.” I jumped up as high as I could, pressed against other girl’s hair when I jumped smelling their awful Body odder (Ugh) Head banging like mad, screaming the lyrics to the songs. A crowd suffer finally came my way. I knew I could help push him along if I needed to, though again the the auburn haired guy redirected him and relief flooded through me once more. I didn’t want to think about when they would have to leave the stage, right now I was just loving every second of it. During concerts I almost always think to myself and wonder how I will remember this fragile moment when it is over? Anbelrin ended with “Godspeed” which was AMAZING. Anberlin are phenomenal music gods to me. Freaking BRILLIANT!!!anberlin2

(<– Stephen Cristian leans onto the crowd. Taken with my Sprint Rumor camera phone!)


I walked back towards my mom with shocked eyes and a toothy grin. I grabbed her and told her how amazing it was being that close to the stage. I held her arm and she started to laugh she spoke, “Honey, you’re shaking!” “No I’m not.” I replied. I held my hand out to prove her wrong, but sure enough it shook.

Ah, The Eagles of  Death Metal. They sound really heavy, right? May I ask, have you ever heard the song “I Want You So Hard” or “Cherry Cola”?  Yes, that is the Eagles of Death Metal. The lead singer was a such a stage performer crack up. Slicking his hair back, brushing his mustache, talking to girls, he even had the “shades”. “I’m gonna need to get your number. You know, in case of an emergency.” or “No. I love you more!” It liked that they didn’t take themselves too seriously. Yes, they cursed a lot and gave us a spastic performance. The lead singer and one the guitarist even had a little “guitar contest” you coudl say. They would play a riff going back and fourth walking towards each other. Might I say it was oh so entertaining. Of course my mother believes they completely stole the show, but that might be right. In my mind, this was Anberlin’s show. I liked listening to them, but by then I was beat. I had used all my energy for Anberlin’s performance. As they went on I danced around and I’m pretty sure I looked like a fool. So what? I was having fun listening to ’em!

Jack’s Mannequin earned themselves screamy fan-girls’ screeches and howls. The lead singer, Andrew McMahon, threw paper airplanes into the crowd, me being to far away to catch one. The lead singer dedicated one of their songs to his favorite pot dealing lesbians in LA. I screamed at that one, cheering them on. People liking the same gender need some love, am I right? A crowd favorite was “Dark Blue” of course being a popular song and a music video. The same as their new single (and music video directed by Stephanie Meyer) “Resolution”. As Jack’s Mannequin left the stage the crowd kept up an endless stream of screams. Jack’s Mannequin just had to come back on, didn’t they? “We had planned on officially not coming back out here, but we are here.” the lead singer spoke. They sang three more long songs and left, ending the show.


November 30, 2008

This is a video of Anberlin playing live in New York City. Do take the time to watch it because these guys are absolutely brilliant. Anberlin are easily my third favorite band. Oh how I wish I was there, though I do get to see them again, December 10th, hells yeah!

Anberlin Concert

November 22, 2008


I was completely blown away by the performances Monday night! It was AH-MAZING!!!!!!!! My Chemical Romance is my favorite band, though sad to say, Anberlin SO topped it.
There For Tomorrow, Straylight Run, and Scary Kids Scaring Kids were the opening bands (in order).

As I was listening to There For Tomorrow I couldn’t believe how boring the crowd was, I felt like I was the only one jumping around and screaming the lyrics. There For Tomorrow unfortunately did not get the respect they deserved. They might be a freshmen band, but you can still show some love, right? Fortunately, There For Tomorrow sound almost exactly the same live which is BRILLIANT! I got their EP for five dollars and one of their T-shirts which was super RAD! Snapping a few good pictures of them for someone who barely has any idea how to use a camera. With my new DIGITAL CAMERA *stage light shining down on camera*.

Next was Straylight Run who was nothing but plainly glamorous. I talked to the drummer, Will Noon, without even knowing it (he was running their merchandise table for a while). I sang (screamed) most of the words to “Hands In The Sky (Big Shot)” and “Existentialism on Prom Night” which were both sorely beautiful. I guy behind me booed one of their songs. I shot him a nasty look which he didn’t see and mumbled a curse word under my breath.

Scary Kids Scaring Kids (what a mouthful) were energetic, spasmatic performers, which is great for involving the crowd. I didn’t like there music quite as much, though I did enjoy them. The lead singer and one of the guitarists were both wasted; he could barely speak in between songs so the keyboardist chatted with the crowd. Pounding his fist hard against his chest made the crowd scream with excitement. Mosh pits were started frequently throughout their set. Watching bodies move and bump into each other. Only then did the crowd get crazy which included LOADS of crowd surfing, which I found quite entertaining.

Anberlin were as beautifully amazing as they sound on their studio recordings; of course I snapped photos of them too. Their song “Inevitable” was brutally beautiful. “The Unwinding Cable Car” was a crowd hit also, in its simple but haunting acoustic version.

HERE IS THE EXCITING PART!!!! My mom spied the lead singer of There For Tomorrow mingling with the crowd attempting to be incognito. I chased after him, trying to get his autograph, but I found he went behind a curtain I couldn’t go past. Leading to a room where I guessed bands hung out. I was bummed; I thought if I kept chickening out I’d never be able to do anything daring. After my last Travis Clark mistake, the guilt started to sink in. I saw him a few minutes later and asked for a picture with him almost knocking him down. HE SAID YES!!!
REPLAY: I run and practically tackle him and ask, “Can I have a picture?!”, “Yeah, of course!” he responded with his smooth as velvet voice as he swept (okay, draped) his arm around my shoulder *sigh*.My mom snapped our picture that I absolutely ADORE!!!! Maika (the lead singer) is waaaay cuter in person. *wink*