“I haven’t smiled since the day you went away.”

March 10, 2010

Thank the gods for me listening to happy music because otherwise the nightmares might really throw a sucker-punch to my face. Let’s go back to the beginning.

Out of the blue, Monday night I had a bad nightmare. The type where you are so consumed by fear you want to crawl into a hole and die. In the first nightmare I was constantly trying to run away from a man who I somehow knew was a rapist. After a while I couldn’t find anything else to protect me. The fear was too great and all I wanted to do was kill it. I know this will sound really horrible, but I felt like if I killed myself the fear would go away and he wouldn’t be able to get me. The second nightmare was practically a new rendition of the last one. In the second nightmare, I dreamt that our friend wanted to go see a movie with me. She was coming to get me when the rapist got a hold of her. As Percy Jackson would say, I woke up with a start.

I used to hate sleeping because I felt it was a waste of time. I have always had the worst dreams; dreams involving zombies and kidnappers, most everything I fear. For a while I stopped dreaming. I had completely forgotten what it was like to wake from a nightmare either in a cold sweat or shaking. Now I remember and I never want to sleep.

Song of the Day – Distant Heart by Mindy White (it’s a youtube click through link)