It remains a mystery.

June 13, 2009

6/12/09

This week has been tiring. Waking up at six in the morning to attend summer school. Though this summer school is really just an orientation to prepare me for the new school year, I am no fan. Each day in PE I have had to do ninety crunches, ten or more push-ups, wall squats, running (but that was pretty easy and surprisingly fun) and today an exersize called six inches. I can handle the crunches but those darn push-ups make my wee little arms wobble. Yes, I do have muscles, but they aren’t massive.
The school days are fairly short (they end at 12:20 PM) yet there is still the bus ride home. I don’t even have any idea how many kids ride my bus, but it can take up to an hour for me to make it safely back to my front door. The bus driver is no help. Whenever she nears my house she passes it up for another stop farther away. That annoys me. A lot. All I can say right now is thank gawd for Fridays!!

I sighed in relief when I got home. I just wanted some time to myself, to think. Extra time to listen to my favorite albums and more importantly, time to write!

I was on the computer this afternoon, checking my email when my mother suggested she would take me to the mall. Or should I say Hot Topic? I was excited to spend the last of my money because I am no good at saving it, and I had enough for a T-shirt or two. If any of you have read some of my previous posts, the first thing that came to mind was Eli. I have never seen him there on a Friday night, but it’s summer time now, schedules change, so you never know. I won’t lie, my heart did feel a little odd. It felt like it sped up for a second.

I walked into Hot Topic wearing my new plaid, blue and pink, button-down Urban Outfitters shirt. (I was glad I could wear my fancy new shirt out.) I didn’t know what I was looking for in Hot Topic. I hadn’t been into Hot Topic for ages it seemed. But I did have a Kings Of Leon shirt in mind. This winter someone *cough, cough* Lance *cough, cough* told me they didn’t like Kings Of Leon. I acted mock appalled and “gasped”. You see, I like irony so the next time I see him with his kids I’ll say, “Oh yeah, KINGS OF LEON BABY!” and point to my shirt. Ironic, eh?

I looked around the store, no Eli. I was almost affraid he didn’t work there anymore (and I still am actually). So I browsed the CD section and eyed the employee picks intensely. I couldn’t see Eli’s name anywhere. It’s not like I talk to him or anything, but it would be nice to see a cute guy’s face every once and a while. To see his clammy pale face matched with dark brown, almost black hair. Sweet eyes and golden eyelashes. His slight frame and dare I say swagger? This may sound creepy, but if a guy you think is cute kinda likes you too that’s not so bad (or at least acts like he likes you). I can easily say I am a hopeless romantic, but I’m not searching for love. Not at this age, no friggen’ way man.

I waked out of Hot Topic with the Kings Of Leon shirt (it even has their faces on it) and an Emily The Strange leopard print tank top. (It seems HT has stopped selling Zotz. Oh, how I will miss those dear Zotz.)
I talked my mom into purchasing a fabulous pair or Baker heels. They have a jeweled cuff around the ankle that almost look like bracelets. They look like those beads you can find in the ocean in Mexico. I think she is happy, she hasn’t splurged on shoes lately.

What my point is, it remains a mystery to me if “Mr. Eli Cullen” is or is not still and employee working at Hot Topic.


Maybe “finding yourself” is part of the process as well.

April 11, 2009

04/10/09

You’re so brilliant, don’t soon forget. You’re so brilliant, grace marked your heart. — Anberlin “The Unwinding Cable Car”

These words stain me in the best possible way. Though if anyone were to ever say them to me, they would sound fake. Untrue and dishonest. Cheesy, even. These words are not meant to be repeated, for the purpose would dull. I’m just a dreamer. It seems vivid fantasies dance through my head. Words etch themselves across my skull. I create plots and scenes for movies or books I will never write. I am impatient and I have no idea what to do with these ideas. I dream I’ll become a guitarist. Sometimes I even write out interviews I’d have with people in my head. Things I would say onstage. Music racks through my brain and occasionally they will escape my lips in the form of a hum. I live in my head and in the best moments of the past. After each concert I try hard to remember each feeling and moment I witnessed or felt. And I don’t think I’ll ever officially realize the past is over. I close my eyes and become lost in thought.


The Little Things

February 2, 2009

Today I was at least hopeful, and not completely negative. In fact I was secretly excited to go to PE, but keep that a secret. I’m trying hard to focus on my work when Sarah, Veronica, and I get to talking about the Katy Perry concert. Veronica: “I really want to go, but my mom says no since it’s at a bar. But I might get to see The Killers!” My heart sinks. I cannot remember if I spilled the beans or what, but I pray to god that the tickets will soon be sold out before she gets her hands on them. Me: “Oh.” That was all I managed to say. Veronica is barely a Killers fan; I wish I could strangle her right now. I come back with, “Yeah, I love The Killers. I have all their albums.” I understand that was a total cat-ish thing to do, but to be honest, that was what I was aiming for. Yeah, yeah, she knows one song. In my book, that is called a poseur fan. You might not understand how it can get under my skin so much, but I like doing things on my own. Without friends to ask to “hang out” with me when all they do insult me.

 Sarah speaks, “Phoenixx don’t take this the wrong way, but my brother thinks-” I finish for her, “That I’m to young to go to Warped Tour. I know, you told me.” She goes on about how he said I was too young to go to concerts, listen to this kind of music, “besides I might think I know what they are talking about, but I really don’t”. Now, the last of that sentence was a quote. All I could think was, WHY DOES HE (YOU) ****ING CARE?!?!?! It’s not like it is any of his business. Note to self: Never speak of any concerts near my “friends”… ever. This is one reason why I love to isolate myself from everyone. Just when I’ve dusted myself back off, they bite back with words. I reply to Sarah, “What I am I supposed to listen to, Hannah Montana?!?!?!” I wish I could scream in her face. In fact both of them, but I’ve got a “good girl” reputation and I wish I could show them my venom.

 Later that day Madeline comes over to me, “Phoeni, I can’t believe you are gonna bail on me with the Katy Perry concert!” I’m sorry, but I would like to save my money for other concerts and merchandise money. I reply to her, “I’m sorry, but I wanted to see The Killers.” “Yeah, but still.” she continues. I respond, “Yeah, but it’s THE KILLERS.” Veronica was sitting next to me. Of course then she starts talking about bands, which leads to a dream she had, which leads to money. With that someone asks what she would do with the money. Veronica: “Um, go to concerts, buy clothes, shoes.” Go to concerts was her first answer. I know for a fact she wouldn’t even have thought about it if I hadn’t brought it up. God, why do I have to be such an idiot?!

I suppose, I shouldn’t get mad over things so little as these, but it’s the little things that make me itch.


REVIEW: “Burned” by Ellen Hopkins

January 31, 2009

My mother was kind enough to pick a copy up for me a few days ago. I devoured the whole book in one day. I was glued to just about every page as I was addicted to Ethan and Pattyn’s romance, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Pattyn Von Stratten is a good Mormon girl. She feels plain,as she takes care of her stay-at-home mother’s jobs like cleaning, washing clothes, and taking care of her six younger siblings (technically five) along with the help of her favorite sister. While her mother lays around the house all day. When her father comes home with “Joannie” most nights, there is trouble. The kids are rushed back to their rooms as their mother takes the blow. The abuse. Pattyn has her first sex dream, and it involves her school crush. Though instead of kissing Justin, it is Derrick who steals her heart for the moment. After the first kiss there are a lot more, with tequila and beer along the way. One day her father finds her in the said, “compromising position”, and things keep going in a downward spiral for Pattyn until finally her father sends her to live with her Aunt J for the summer.

Living with Pattyn’s Aunt J was supposed to be a punishment not a reward, but things start to go Pattyn’s way. Then she meets Ethan. This can’t just be a summer fling, right? Right. Ethan shows Pattyn love, more than she had asked for. Though if her father were to ever find out she was dating than, Ethan who was not Mormon, they both would be dead. Literally. Pattyn has to go back home at the end of summer vacation. *** SPOILER ALERT*** As Pattyn takes the abuse from her father, bruises and blood are left. After that she finds out she is pregnant. Pregnant with Ethan’s baby. Plans are made for Ethan to come down and get Pattyn one day after school to take some time to ponder what they are going to do. Not noticing someone has taken off their licence plates, the police attempt to pull Ethan and Pattyn over during their “escape” drive. Pattyn orders Ethan not to stop, go faster. Until the accident. Ethan and the baby are both gone, dead. Pattyn is devastated (so was I) and decides life no longer matters….

I absolutely adored this book. I was intrigued with Pattyn and Ethan’s romance, which I wish could be real ALL the time. I loved her Aunt J, she reminded me of the woman who played Bella’s (Twilight) mother IN THE MOVIE. Happy, outgoing, smart, loving. I wish I had an aunt like that, cross that, I do. I was terribly annoyed that her mother, her sister, nor her own self told anyone (minus Ethan) about their beatings from their father/husband. This book explored the emotions of  joy, excitement, lust and love, complete with anger, hurt, devastation, and tragedy. Weaving together a masterpiece, which I would recommend to any Ellen Hopkins fans or just someone looking for a quick yet intriguing and beautiful read. FIVE OUT OF FIVE STARS.