Do I fight shy of everything?

July 9, 2010

It’s all too overwhelming. As soon as the first month of summer break dries up the new school year seems too close. It’s like falling face first into a cement sidewalk. The aftermath is a bunch of scrapes and a few cuts, maybe a bruise to the cheekbone. It’s moderately better than having a broken face yet still comparable. I don’t know. I’m not really sure what to do. When I think about it too much (which I have a bad habit of doing) I feel like swallowing rocks.

It’s my second year at a new school I don’t much like. I graduated last year with a 4.0 (surprisingly that didn’t take as much effort as I imagined) but it’s not the classes I’m worried about it’s the kids that sort of hate me. And to my previous science teacher, I don’t need after school academics to throw around unconnected pointless dates and historic events that I have never been taught to remember. I am ambitious enough to achieve whatever I truly want on my own. — I wear my purple hoodie some days to give me Gabe Saporta confidence and I live by the Sid Vicious quote, “It’s not really my problem if they think I’m weird.” I’m not worried about them bullying me about the way I am, I’m more worried about them bullying me about last year’s end of school drama. I fugging hate that. I don’t deserve to be pulled into that nonsense and I’ll tell everyone off again and spit venom if it’s necessary, though the inner city kids at my school are physical to say the least.

So I’m listening to Paramore’s The Final Riot! which is calming me down, especially the acoustic rendition of “My Heart”. Hayley’s voice is soothing. Earlier I was in hysterics and my mom looked at me funny. I’m listening to music all the time (though it’s kinda hard to boost your iTunes playcount on a brand new computer). It helps me write and it helps me think. I should just remind myself not to overthink everything.

Here’s a playlist I am in love with: http://8tracks.com/xiu/light-on

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Redhead Magnet

June 24, 2009

Today I thought would be a regular day. Wake up at 6:00 AM, go to summer school until 12:20 PM, get home at 1:10 PM, you get the idea. Instead, I was cheered up by a trip to Urban Outfitters.

I walked around the store looking for skirt since I didn’t own one. I ended up finding a skirt, a dress, a denim pair of shorts, and a “Cats” t-shirt (I used to watch that musical all the time when I was little). No, I didn’t buy all of those clothes, but I did try each of them on.

So I walked into the neatly arranged dressing rooms, topped off with Nylon Magazine. Guess what! I saw a redhead. He wasn’t really “a looker”, actually he reminded me a bit of Jeremy Davis from Paramore (look him up if you don’t know who he is!). He had red hair and a beard indeed, but what you don’t know is that he also had a nose ring.

The shorts and t-shirt just didn’t work. My legs looked strange in the shorts. Maybe it was the light, but I wasn’t in the mood to take that risk. Even with an undershirt on underneath, the t-shirt was way too long and had weird creases in it. The skirt was alright. I liked it, but I didn’t loved it; but it had pockets! I tried on the dress and fell in love. It was light weight and flowy, with thin horizontal stripes colored red, blue, and a cream shade of white. And might I say it looked fabulous with my purple converse?

I wandered the store a while longer looking for a regular rise pair of acid wash (grey and black, please!) cigarette style skinny jeans, with and ankle zipper. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find what I was looking for.
I grabbed a cute notebook which would be added to one of the various birthday items for my friend and a catalog. When I went to the register to pay, the redhead was there! I pushed my junk forward on the counter. “These catalogs are free, right?” I asked him. “Yeah,” he replied. He then added, “What if I told you they were a dollar and then you gave me a dollar?” I smiled and said, “That probably wouldn’t be very fair….” I finished, “But, I’d probably give you the dollar ’cause I’m kind of gullible.”

I now own a dress, which is a pretty rare sight. And to add to that, I will in fact wear it! Now, all I need is a Ron Weasley t-shirt to accompany my We The Kings “I Love Redheads” t-shirt.


Rid Me Of This Feeling

February 15, 2009

02/15/09

I’ve got an unquenchable feeling of uncertainty. I feel it when I fall asleep at night, I hope it will not wake up to it in the morning. I feel out of place with this feeling. Like I could use it to do something daring, something that the regular Phoenixx wouldn’t do. Maybe I’m just stressing myself out for no reason. Have you ever gotten the feeling where it feels like the skin over your ribcage is tightening? That happens to me when I’m hungry and occasionally when I’m stressing. I don’t understand myself fully. One day I’m, lighting the room with my smile, the next I’m sulking because I can’t find reason in ANYTHING. Some days I don’t know what I’m worried about. Though it could be everything. There is always something wrong with the picture you see. Whether it’s small or large, but the world is obviously an imperfect place.

Music is my cure for all of that. My medicine. My hate notes. My excitement. My everything. Music is there for me. If I’m happy I “head bang” to some Paramore, if I’m feeling angry I turn on My Chemical Romance’s first album (“I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love”) and blast “Our Lady of Sorrows” while screaming the lyrics. If I’m feeling whimsical and lighthearted I might fancy for some MGMT or Vampire Weekend. If I want to dance I’ll turn on the Gym Class Heroes. Feeling indie, maybe Radiohead, Straylight Run, or Lovedrug. Needing to relax I’ll play my Feist (“The Water” is my personal favorite). Anberlin just makes me want to take a minute and think about the lyrics then get back up and jump around. The Academy Is… is a good definition of pop punk. Punk but not to ranting instead, poppy, definitely something you could jump to. Maybe I should just turn on some music. Though it will only push back problems, but maybe that’s what I want.

“You gotta swim, and swim when it hurts.” — Jack’s Manequinn

“Can’t walk it off, can’t come clean.” — Lovedrug


We Meet Again

February 1, 2009

I had waited all week to make my trip back to Hot Topic to see my favorite (realistic) vampire. It was almost postponed *gasp*. Thankfully I made an excuse to go down and see him, though my ride (mother) did not buy it. My younger sister’s birthday is coming up so I’d pick something out for her. (It’s quite funny, really. I have my little sisters listening to bands like My Chemical Romance, All Time Low, and Paramore. Then they’ll walk around the house singing the lyrics to “Teenagers” or as Eleanor would say, “Teenagerds”. Ha-ha!) I hope you don’t get the wrong idea and think I’m stalking him, only making a trip down to my second favorite store.

Eli is there and since it is Super Bowl Sunday, the mall is practically vacant.  I smile on the inside knowing that Eli is up at the counter. For some reason I don’t fell much excitement. That is the best part. I come down on a Sunday to end my week nicely with a feeling of excitement and joy, yet I feel plain. The feeling when you could smile at nothing for days, do cartwheels around the house, or get tingles on your arms?  Have I lost the feeling completely?

Walking around David, is nice as usual, asks the same ol’, “Do you need any help finding something?” or “You guys doin’ alright?” You have to admit, it can get a bit annoying. I found the belt I wanted. White with cute, colorful, little monster people on it. Unfortunately it is a little big, but at least it fits! For my younger sister I found a small, pink, plush, Domo doll which should fit, considering her birthday is on Valentines Day. I walk around a little, trying to time it right so Eli can ring up my items this time.

At last I am paying for my items and Eli asks, “Do you want to donate a dollar to a charity for kids so they can get a better music foundation and get one of those bags?” As he pointed to two black messenger bags. One with a skull and the other smaller one that reads “music = life” Or at least something like that. I was once again lost in my own little world, inside my head, not paying attention to what he was saying. I replied mindlessly, “Uh, sure.” While speaking to him, a heat reached my cheek bones. How many times must he make me blush?!?! Eek! I already had the smaller bag left over from Christmas. Eli replied, “Do you want the smaller one or the bigger one?” It took me a moment to reply and just said, “Um, you can just keep the dollar.” He rolled up my belt and handed me the Domo plush, our hands almost touched. I couldn’t help but to think, Jeez, he has ginormous hands!!! I decided to save a plastic bag and put my items into a Disney bag my mother and I had been carrying around.

I left the store, in the words of my friend Hannah, blushing Bella red.


Looking Back…

January 25, 2009

I was thinking back to my first Vans Warped Tour experience last year, and how I was so unprepared! Get this, I saw Travis Clark and the rest of the guys from We The Kings at a signing, yet I was to much of a pansy to take a picture with Travis. Even after my mother nearly pushed my into him I backed right up blushing bright red in the stifling heat. I feel so much regret right now, I cannot even stand it. I’m angry with myself. I mean, it’s cool I got a picture with Maika from There For Tomorrow, but it is TRAVIS CLARK we are talking about here!!!!! And I missed Paramores’ performance, I should be ashamed. Cross that, I am ashamed! ARRGGG, this year I’ll come early, prepared with a digital camera, bottled water, a stashof money, and a sharpie for “just-in-case” signings. Let me go back to that experience…

It is about 4:00 pm and the air is so stiflingly hot. Jitters reach my body as I walk to the gate to get my ticket scanned in. I have to pitch my sunscreen, but what the hell. I came here to see Paramore. Paramore were only on seven of the dates and lucky me, I was included in one of them. I have to see Paramore, I need to! I walk in and there are merch tables just about everywhere. My jaw drops just looking at all the awesome T-shirts. -Just thinking about it sends thrills into my brain, like I could leap around the room.- (One of my first stops was to Paramore’s merchandise table. )We find the schedule and I grab one of the scattered pieces of paper just staring at the times. Paramore played at 3:00, I am sad, pissed, though I feel the need to move on at the moment. (This is what I missed ) I mark down Cobra Starship, Katy Perry, and a few other which I cannot remember.

As I walk past boat loads of sweaty teenagers, viewing make-outs, skating ramps, more merchandise tables, and then… a We The Kings signing. I wait patiently in line like all the other girls only a bit quieter. Oh my god. It’s Travis freaking Clark. He stands tall with his big, brilliant, red orange, hair and that lip ring of his I adore so much. He is definitely cuter in person. Travis is wearing a royal blue shirt that reads “Save a Boob” I smile at it and listen to him talk to the other girls in line and with Danny, Hunter, and Drew. I can’t wait to reach the front of the line. Wait a second, there are two dudes in front of me who won’t move. What are they doing?? Then a guy comes out and says, “Sorry but we gotta wrap it up.” The guys walk over for pictures and I need one with my favorite red head!! Travis stands in front of me, does he even notice me?? I just look up at him with glazed eyes, blushing red, and to timid to even ask for a picture. My mother shoves me forward almost knocking me into him. I scoot right back as if he’ll hurt me. -I was so pathetic!! Why was a such an idiot?!?!?!- My mom whispers to me, “Go ask for a picture.” Just as I’m about to ask the guy comes out again and says, “Sorry, but I’ll have to take him from ya.” I am sooo bummed. I feel like a loser, a wuss. I missed Paramore and a chance to get a friggin’ picture with Travis Clark, how could I screw this up?!?!?!? I sigh and move on.

Finally we find our friend Elizabeth. We met her during the Horrorpops performance which was really great. The lead singer was awesome, she seemed really down to earth with her big ol’ base, which she kept plucking at. Of course I didn’t know who they were at the time, but I knew I liked ’em. With that we talked, walked, bought some merch, walked past sets with screaming lead singers. (We actually came across a booth for The Greely Estates, the merchandise guy had a little cardboard box that read, “Five dollars if you can fit it.” Elizabeth picked through the box and held out a tiny shirt meant to fit a child. Elizabeth said, “Oh this will be for Mae-Mae.” I giggled. The shirt was rather scary for a little girl if you ask me, but anywhoo….)

It was about six when Cobra Straship’s set started. Elizabeth helped me get closer “seats” as kids would sing along to lyrics I didn’t quite know. I enjoyed myself for the first time instead of being so stiff. I went along with what Gabe Saporta was saying, putting my hands up even if I did look like a fool doing so. During one of their songs I heard Mayday Parade. Their set was right next to Cobra Starship’s. I would walk back and fourth until they both ended and I settled with Cobra Starship in the end. After their show I was off to their merchandise table. I bought a purple T-shirt with the hand sign for a cobra, on the back it says “Fangs Up!” and “Cobra Starship”. -Jeez how many times can I say Cobra Starship in a paragraph?!- 

Just to kill time I thought I’d go see Angles and Airwaves. I don’t know them well enough, but they are alright. I was waiting for the Gym Class Heroes set to end (which I secretly enjoyed). I guy bumped my shoulder, I turned and looked at him as he quickly spoke the word, “Sorry,” he didn’t look very old, maybe 14. He looked at me, he was kind of cute, though I’ve definitely seen cuter. 

A heavy rain storm comes in. I wanted to stay, but my mother said she saw lightening a couple times so we were off. Like most other kids I we were running back to our car in the big dirt lot, rain hitting me smack in the face, and it actually hurt too! Kids were cursing “Aw, f***” or “S***” whatever, I was cursing on the inside. When we were about to exit through the little tent, all of the sudden it went flying up in the air. A few guys struggled to hold it down as my mother and I ran, soaked in my “Gerard shoes” to our car. By the time my mother and I plopped into our little black car we were soaking wet. It was uncomfortable. I pulled my shoes off and pulled on one of my new clean shirts. My mom asked for one to wear so I handed her my Japanese Vans tee. There was a bit of a traffic jam unfortunately, but we made it through. I walked into my house with wet, untied shoes. The first thing I did was set all my merch on the table having all of my siblings ogling it.

I guess I had I pretty great time. If I’m lucky Paramore will come back to ____ this year, but I do feel bad that I went through the whole Warped Tour experience without their performance. And maybe Travis Clark will come to my house and give me a hug, then pigs will fly. Definitely.