Do I fight shy of everything?

July 9, 2010

It’s all too overwhelming. As soon as the first month of summer break dries up the new school year seems too close. It’s like falling face first into a cement sidewalk. The aftermath is a bunch of scrapes and a few cuts, maybe a bruise to the cheekbone. It’s moderately better than having a broken face yet still comparable. I don’t know. I’m not really sure what to do. When I think about it too much (which I have a bad habit of doing) I feel like swallowing rocks.

It’s my second year at a new school I don’t much like. I graduated last year with a 4.0 (surprisingly that didn’t take as much effort as I imagined) but it’s not the classes I’m worried about it’s the kids that sort of hate me. And to my previous science teacher, I don’t need after school academics to throw around unconnected pointless dates and historic events that I have never been taught to remember. I am ambitious enough to achieve whatever I truly want on my own. — I wear my purple hoodie some days to give me Gabe Saporta confidence and I live by the Sid Vicious quote, “It’s not really my problem if they think I’m weird.” I’m not worried about them bullying me about the way I am, I’m more worried about them bullying me about last year’s end of school drama. I fugging hate that. I don’t deserve to be pulled into that nonsense and I’ll tell everyone off again and spit venom if it’s necessary, though the inner city kids at my school are physical to say the least.

So I’m listening to Paramore’s The Final Riot! which is calming me down, especially the acoustic rendition of “My Heart”. Hayley’s voice is soothing. Earlier I was in hysterics and my mom looked at me funny. I’m listening to music all the time (though it’s kinda hard to boost your iTunes playcount on a brand new computer). It helps me write and it helps me think. I should just remind myself not to overthink everything.

Here’s a playlist I am in love with: http://8tracks.com/xiu/light-on

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Impulse Playlist

December 19, 2008

I read a book called “Impulse” by Ellen Hopkins. It was amazing, brilliant, brutal, satisfying, gut wrenching, and tearful. If you haven’t read it then I recommend you go pick up a copy from the library or Barnes and Noble. On the back of the book where you find out whether you would or wouldn’t like to read it, it says “Tony’s painful childhood memories keep him quelled only throught pills. Vanessa has a secret that keeps her coming back to the blade. And Conner seems to have the perfect life on the outside, but his inward battle with his parents, his peers, and himself give him one last choice – to pull the trigger.

These are three lives that would have been cut short if not for the hasty intervention by loved ones. Or fate. Now they are given a second chance at a better life – but only if they help one another, and if they find the strength to let go of their inner demons. For good.” 

I was thinking of the book yesterday, about some songs that fit the characters but also the story. So here is my playlist that IS NOT in any specific order, yet. I will mention why I choose these songs them and what parts they fit in. If you have any suggestion do comment on my post.

Emergency – Paramore  I choose this particular song because the title is “Emergency” and the beginning of the story shows how Vanessa, tony, and Conner almost killed themselves, meaning there was an emergency.

I’m a Fake – The Used  At the beginning of this song the lead singer, Bert MaCrackin, says ” Small, simple, safe price rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets. This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals. I am not afraid to die. I’m not afraid to bleed, and f***, and fight. I want the pain of payment.” then going on ” My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter. I’m cutting trying to picture your black broken heart. Love is not like anything especially a f***ing knife.” I thought this was from Vanessa’s perspective of life and death. When she is kneeling over the bathtub sawing through layers of skin, thinking of her secret.

We Are Broken – Paramore  This song makes me want to break down to tears. I thought these lyrics summed up how each Conner, Tony, and Vanessa were hoping to feel in the end. Scarcely keeping hope. “Cause we are broken. What must we do to restore? Our innocence…”

Sleep – My Chemical Romance  This song choice in my opinion is telling how they all are trying to run away from their past by saying “Shut your eyes, kiss me goodbye and just sleep.”

What I’ve Done – Linkin Park  Conner, Vanessa, and Tony are trying to forgive themselves, accept their pasts, get over their miserable thoughts but occasionally drown back in them. Yet a couple of them are thinking, what have I done?

Blackout – Muse  Every time I listen to this song I picture a ballet. A sorrowful dance ultimately brilliant and beautiful. It is talking about how short our lives are and how we should use our time wisely because they soon fade… away.

Everybody’s Fool – Evanescence  Conner has always been told to be perfect, yet he feels like everybody’s fool. Nice clothes, house, money, body, he has it all right? All Conner wants is to escape from his life to neverland.

Hero/Heroine – Boys Like Girls  “I feel like a hero and you are my heroine.” is the chorus in this song. Tony has been saved by this astonishing girl named, Vanessa. Vanessa becoming to love Tony more. Is it “true” love?

Lies – Billy Talent  Lies. Yes they make it better, right? At least for a while. The characters try to cover things up with lies and blur thoughts that shouldn’t float around in their heads. Vanessa’s mother was schizophrenic and also bipolar. Vanessa cannot seem to accept that being bipolar is genetic.

Baby, You Wouldn’t Last One Minute on the Creek – Chiodos  Conner was dating an older woman, his teahcer. He speaks of her frequently, though she had told him it wasn’t right. This song descrbes their relationship in my opinion. “Let’s turn around and head in different directions. It’s like we never… it’s like we never knew each other at all.” later saying “This is probably the best. Not to mention, the worst idea that I have ever had.”

Soft Skeltons – Anberlin  Tony has had a terribly rough childhood. His mother being a prostitute, Tony being abused by her many boyfriends, leading up to something his mother chose not to believe. This song is giving those hope.

Dismantle. Repair. – Anberlin  As the main characters begin to help each other through difficult times, repairing one is dismantling the other.

Closer – Kings Of Leon  This song is talking about how both Tony and Conner have fallen for Vanessa. This is strange for Tony , “She took my heart, I think she took my soul. With the moon I run, far from the carnage of the fiery sun.”

Existentialism on Prom Night – Straylight Run  *SPOILER ALERT* This is another song where people are brought to tears as Connor has just jumped over the edge.

Demolition Lovers – My Chemical Romance  *SPOILER ALERT* This song is my absolute favorite My Chemical Romance song. I think it ends the playlist quite well. In the end Conner stops taking his anti-depressants and commits suicide by jumping off a cliff. Vanessa and Tony mourn together in a loss of a friend.

   View and listen to the playlist tracks at… http://view.playlist.com/14247496715

impulse