Did we all fall down?

June 30, 2009

I was listening to “Desert Song” by My Chemical Romance and that song completely renewed my love for them. I like The Black Parade and Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge, but those two albums just aren’t the same as I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love. Raw emotion is spilled into each song, and Gerard’s voice sounds amazing. He sounds angry and well… unhappy; if that’s what it takes to write a sad song then My Chem do a pretty good job. (Especially in “Early Sunsets Over Monroeville” which is definitely one of my favorites.)

Sometimes I like lying on the disgusting carpeted floor in my room. I’m either listening to music or thinking. When I heard the sound of the E minor cord on guitar I knew it could be none other than “Desert Song”. Gerard’s voice sounding deep comes in letting each word drag on. And let me just say, the word “morgue” never sounded so appealing until I heard this song. No, it isn’t just because Gerard was singing it, but he sort of romanticized death in this song. He sounded wonderfully pained if that doesn’t sound too confusing.

Well after all, we’ll lie another day
And through it all, we’ll find some other way
To carry on through cartilage and fluid
Well did you come to stare or wash away the blood?

later going on to

From the lights to the pavement
From the van to the floor
From backstage to the doctors
From the earth to the morgue,
Morgue,
Morgue,
Morgue.

There isn’t a meaning to this post, I was only sharing my opinion.

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I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

June 25, 2009

I can’t stop smiling. I want to scream and punch things like a mad woman, but I can’t. Instead, I’ll just smile and run in circles while listening to Taking Back Sunday.

Last night I said to my mother, “I would do anything to see Taking Back Sunday again.” “Well, hon, it’s over. You can’t be mad about it,” she replied. My mother had it wrong. I wasn’t mad, I was extremely sad. I wanted to have a good cry over it. Really, I should be lucky I even saw Taking Back Sunday at all. Instead, I moped about not being close to the stage or to put it this way, I couldn’t see the stage at all. All I heard was my voice next to Adam Lazzara’s voice. It was like watching a YouTube video.

I sat on the bus today, God knows how hot it was. The humidity was stiffling, and I could just barely breathe. I flipped on my phone and pulled up the interent. I immeadiately checked my email, hoping there would be something worth reading. I opened one my mother had sent me. My jaw dropped. Taking Back Sunday were coming back to Kansas City September 4th with Blink-182 and Weezer. To top that off, tickets were only twenty dollars.

I turned to my friend and grabbed her arms and shook her wildly. “GUESS WHAT?! TAKING BACK SUNDAY ARE COMING BACK TO KANSAS CITY!!!” I yelled, hopping up and down in my seat. “Phoenixx, calm down,” she said to me, but I couldn’t. My stomach was way too excited to simply calm down. I knew instantly that this was going to be a damn good bus ride home.

Nothing mattered. All I cared about at that moment were tickets. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs with joy and race up my front porch. I wanted to kick at things violently because no one knew what I was feeling. I felt amazing.

I later found out the twenty dollar tickets sold out, BUT thirty five dollar tickets were still available. So of course I bought them. Nothing matters. Though Taking Back Sunday do matter, and I want to live in the moment of their performance because I know it will be stunning.


Be Somebody

March 4, 2009

If I had to choose one song to die to, I would never be able to choose. Thursday’s “Understanding In a Car Crash” is just so perfect to me. Almost like poetry. The lyrics are just so brutal and beautiful. The guitar puts you on edge as goosebumps crawl up and down your arms and legs. Hot tears bubbling at your eyes; deep breaths.

So push the seats back a little further
Roll the windows down and take a breath
I can see the headlights coming
They paint the world in red and broken glass
The spinning hubcaps set the tempo for
the music of a broken window
When the lights are on and the cameras click
We open up the lens to broken glass and it’s over in a flash

Or another favorite of mine is “The Scientist” by Coldplay. The lyrics, Nobody said it was easy. Nobody said it would be so hard. ring in my ears like they are something to live by. Honestly, living is the hard part, death could be rather easy. You just die. That’s it. Everything. Gone. Over. Nothing more than that. Now Lovedrug’s “Doomsday and the Echo” is oh so lovely. I adore every last lyric to this song. I cannot even begin to explain how much I love it. “Everything Starts Where it Ends” is brilliant as well, though there is something about “Doomsday and the Echo” that makes me itch over each sentence as though I should be analyzing it.

Can’t walk it off
Can’t come clean
               Later going on to…

Hey, just woke up and already I’m a losing
Messed up everything again
Drink up, pass the gun again
Hey, just woke up and already I’m a losing
Messed up everyone again
Someone pass the gun again

I got to thinking about this subject after thinking I was a failure. Playing guitar is one of my dreams and I have to succeed at it. Guitar lessons have been going… not so good. At least I don’t feel I’ve been doing nearly good enough. I want to friggen’ shred! I want to riff and rock. I want to be up on stage, sweat dripping from my body. Being a phenomenal performer such as Jason Hale or Jimi Hendrix. The spectacular sound as well, maybe the cleanest you’ve ever heard? I want to be the best of the best. Each lesson I’d like to be told I am amazing at guitar even if I am still a beginner. I would love for those words to be spoken honest and truthful. I guess plan “B”, which is writing, is what I should try to shoot for, for now. I’ll do my best to improve my writing each and every day. Giving every writing assignment 110% percent whether it is stupid or not. As most have you have heard the saying, “No problem.” let me introduce a new one to you all. No promises. 

Reader,  I don’t fully understand myself either, but leaving earth with a sad song just seems like a good way to go. When I die I want to be cremated, I want my (Alleged I suppose. Though trust me, Kat Von D IS going to tattoo me.) tattoos to tell my story before I am burned to ashes. I want them to play one of my song choices for death. I want to be remembered.

Current song of choice at the moment, “The Undertaker’s Thirst For Revenge Is Unquenchable (The Final Battle)” by Chiodos.

And all the world’s a stage
I existed because I dreamed
And well, I dream no more
I’ve given up on the entire human race


Looking Back…

January 25, 2009

I was thinking back to my first Vans Warped Tour experience last year, and how I was so unprepared! Get this, I saw Travis Clark and the rest of the guys from We The Kings at a signing, yet I was to much of a pansy to take a picture with Travis. Even after my mother nearly pushed my into him I backed right up blushing bright red in the stifling heat. I feel so much regret right now, I cannot even stand it. I’m angry with myself. I mean, it’s cool I got a picture with Maika from There For Tomorrow, but it is TRAVIS CLARK we are talking about here!!!!! And I missed Paramores’ performance, I should be ashamed. Cross that, I am ashamed! ARRGGG, this year I’ll come early, prepared with a digital camera, bottled water, a stashof money, and a sharpie for “just-in-case” signings. Let me go back to that experience…

It is about 4:00 pm and the air is so stiflingly hot. Jitters reach my body as I walk to the gate to get my ticket scanned in. I have to pitch my sunscreen, but what the hell. I came here to see Paramore. Paramore were only on seven of the dates and lucky me, I was included in one of them. I have to see Paramore, I need to! I walk in and there are merch tables just about everywhere. My jaw drops just looking at all the awesome T-shirts. -Just thinking about it sends thrills into my brain, like I could leap around the room.- (One of my first stops was to Paramore’s merchandise table. )We find the schedule and I grab one of the scattered pieces of paper just staring at the times. Paramore played at 3:00, I am sad, pissed, though I feel the need to move on at the moment. (This is what I missed ) I mark down Cobra Starship, Katy Perry, and a few other which I cannot remember.

As I walk past boat loads of sweaty teenagers, viewing make-outs, skating ramps, more merchandise tables, and then… a We The Kings signing. I wait patiently in line like all the other girls only a bit quieter. Oh my god. It’s Travis freaking Clark. He stands tall with his big, brilliant, red orange, hair and that lip ring of his I adore so much. He is definitely cuter in person. Travis is wearing a royal blue shirt that reads “Save a Boob” I smile at it and listen to him talk to the other girls in line and with Danny, Hunter, and Drew. I can’t wait to reach the front of the line. Wait a second, there are two dudes in front of me who won’t move. What are they doing?? Then a guy comes out and says, “Sorry but we gotta wrap it up.” The guys walk over for pictures and I need one with my favorite red head!! Travis stands in front of me, does he even notice me?? I just look up at him with glazed eyes, blushing red, and to timid to even ask for a picture. My mother shoves me forward almost knocking me into him. I scoot right back as if he’ll hurt me. -I was so pathetic!! Why was a such an idiot?!?!?!- My mom whispers to me, “Go ask for a picture.” Just as I’m about to ask the guy comes out again and says, “Sorry, but I’ll have to take him from ya.” I am sooo bummed. I feel like a loser, a wuss. I missed Paramore and a chance to get a friggin’ picture with Travis Clark, how could I screw this up?!?!?!? I sigh and move on.

Finally we find our friend Elizabeth. We met her during the Horrorpops performance which was really great. The lead singer was awesome, she seemed really down to earth with her big ol’ base, which she kept plucking at. Of course I didn’t know who they were at the time, but I knew I liked ’em. With that we talked, walked, bought some merch, walked past sets with screaming lead singers. (We actually came across a booth for The Greely Estates, the merchandise guy had a little cardboard box that read, “Five dollars if you can fit it.” Elizabeth picked through the box and held out a tiny shirt meant to fit a child. Elizabeth said, “Oh this will be for Mae-Mae.” I giggled. The shirt was rather scary for a little girl if you ask me, but anywhoo….)

It was about six when Cobra Straship’s set started. Elizabeth helped me get closer “seats” as kids would sing along to lyrics I didn’t quite know. I enjoyed myself for the first time instead of being so stiff. I went along with what Gabe Saporta was saying, putting my hands up even if I did look like a fool doing so. During one of their songs I heard Mayday Parade. Their set was right next to Cobra Starship’s. I would walk back and fourth until they both ended and I settled with Cobra Starship in the end. After their show I was off to their merchandise table. I bought a purple T-shirt with the hand sign for a cobra, on the back it says “Fangs Up!” and “Cobra Starship”. -Jeez how many times can I say Cobra Starship in a paragraph?!- 

Just to kill time I thought I’d go see Angles and Airwaves. I don’t know them well enough, but they are alright. I was waiting for the Gym Class Heroes set to end (which I secretly enjoyed). I guy bumped my shoulder, I turned and looked at him as he quickly spoke the word, “Sorry,” he didn’t look very old, maybe 14. He looked at me, he was kind of cute, though I’ve definitely seen cuter. 

A heavy rain storm comes in. I wanted to stay, but my mother said she saw lightening a couple times so we were off. Like most other kids I we were running back to our car in the big dirt lot, rain hitting me smack in the face, and it actually hurt too! Kids were cursing “Aw, f***” or “S***” whatever, I was cursing on the inside. When we were about to exit through the little tent, all of the sudden it went flying up in the air. A few guys struggled to hold it down as my mother and I ran, soaked in my “Gerard shoes” to our car. By the time my mother and I plopped into our little black car we were soaking wet. It was uncomfortable. I pulled my shoes off and pulled on one of my new clean shirts. My mom asked for one to wear so I handed her my Japanese Vans tee. There was a bit of a traffic jam unfortunately, but we made it through. I walked into my house with wet, untied shoes. The first thing I did was set all my merch on the table having all of my siblings ogling it.

I guess I had I pretty great time. If I’m lucky Paramore will come back to ____ this year, but I do feel bad that I went through the whole Warped Tour experience without their performance. And maybe Travis Clark will come to my house and give me a hug, then pigs will fly. Definitely.


‘Cause I’m Mr. Brightside

December 30, 2008

Yesterday was a stressful day. Now I honestly say this a lot, but I attended a funeral yesterday. My first funeral actually, for my friend whose dad passed away on Saturday night of cancer. My friend Veronica and her brother Robby are only twelve and fourteen, their father I don’t think was even fifty years old.

I don’t really have “dressy” clothing so I was searching through my T-shirts and jeans thinking, I cannot arrive at a funeral in a black Anberlin concert shirt with a pair of jeans on. I had finally managed to find a black silk shirt, that I wore over a casual dress, with a pair of black leggings, and all black leather converse. My mom picks me up from the house and I say, “I do not have anything dressy to wear.” My mother replies, “Oh, it’s alright, hon you’re a kid they don’t expect you too.” I sigh and give up on this conversation.

We arrive at the venue. I see quite a few kids from my school and teachers as well. During the speeches about him, I was thinking I would have really liked him. I didn’t know Veronica’s father well, I only said hello every once and a while. Come to think of it the last time I saw him was on Halloween. A little after that I believe he was back in the hospital for his cancer again. Listening to the people speaking I learned he was an artist, a writer, a philosopher, and just a nice guy. On a nice day he would sit on his front porch and play the drums and whenever someone asked him about his cancer he changed the subject and always looked at the bright side of life. Always.

I did not cry at the funeral, I was trying so hard to keep it together, but later that night I cried at home. I couldn’t understand why I was crying, I barely knew him. My mother pointed out, “I don’t think you are crying so much for him as you are for Veronica.” and that I believe was very true. My mother is a wise woman, I look to her for advice. Yes, my father is useful too, but if you ask the “wrong” question he will leave you with a dead silence. I once asked him, “How do you tell someone they really need to take a shower?” (Blunt aren’t I?) He narrowed his eyes, pursed his lips, sighed, turned and walked away.

After about an hour and a half I walked out of that room of the funeral. My teacher Ms.___ looked at me with raw red eyes and a tissue in her hand. She pulled my other and I into a tight grasp and said, “You are such a blessing to us.” and I was astonished a teacher told me that. I replied to her, “I cannot even imagine how Veronica is feeling right now.” 

David ____ 01/13/62  –  12/28/08