Brought To Tears…

February 18, 2009

02/17/09

Last night while watching a To Write Love On Her Arms video on YouTube, I came across a video called “The Way She Feels Part 2”. Curious ol’ me, I clicked on it. It happened to the be the making of Between The Trees’ music video for “The Way She Feels”. You see Between The Trees are big supporters of the TWLOHA foundation. In fact, they knew Renee Yohe before To Write Love on Her Arms was even started. The lead singer, Ryan Kirkland, had befriended Renee. Though it was a big burden to carry, Ryan remained trustworthy of Renee. Finally it got to a point where it was almost too much, and they needed to get her to rehab. — Anyway, back to the video. — The song was written about Renee and her struggle with cutting. As I watched this video for the first time last night, I was just barely in tears and had become the start of a new Between The Trees fan. As of today, I know all of the lyrics to “The Way She Feels” and I savor every last bit of them. Reader, the beautiful song, “The Way She Feels” by Between The Trees.


Just a dream, right?

February 12, 2009

02/12/09

Last night I had a dream. You see, I don’t really like dreams. Mine usually seem to be connected to inner fear or just something stupid that scares me while I’m asleep, though when I think about it later it seems idiotic. It wasn’t terribly frightening, though it was strange. It had something to do with a couple topics I’ve had on my mind a lot recently. Cutting and To Write Love On Her Arms. (In fact I’m wearing my one of my TWLOHA tees right now.)

In this dream I was in some hospital/psychiatric ward. The setup was similar to parts of my house, yet like a hospital at the same time. It was vacant. I wandered the halls with a few of my family members (I only remember my mother and Eleanor), yet I kept ending up in the same place.  As if I was going in circles. So while wandering these empty halls alone, they seemed dirty or abandoned. Finally I came across a bed, in which was my former house guest, Abby. I was scared I didn’t know what to say or do, I didn’t want to go pleading sorry. I ran back in circles, trying to think things over. Finally, I entered a bathroom. In that bathroom I found a razor blade. No, not a three bladed razor you would use to shave your legs. I razor blade. I began to cut little slits in my hand, the one I remember most was on my thumb. I hesitated a moment and went on. They were not very deep, but enough to sting. Blood didn’t ooze, but I saw blood. — My hands are shaking while I type this post.– I was tempted to go for my wrist, but I didn’t slice through the skin, only because I had a fear of “bleeding it out”. All through school the thought of cutting racked through my brain, and I was scared.


A Tale of Eli Cullen

January 26, 2009

Sundays are usually quite “depressing”. Knowing that you’ll have to go back to school the next day, not being able to stay up past midnight *sigh*.  Today went surprisingly well. I woke up early to go babysit at ten. They had a friend over so they payed me extra for the two hours I was at their house. I already had made fifty dollars in the past week so I was doing quite well on cash. I decided I’d make a trip down to Hot Topic once I arrived home. I hadn’t been there since before Christmas and I was excited to finally be able to purchase the Chiodos’ Bone Palace Ballet album.

I wore a a flowy, black, knee length, skirt with a pair of my tightest, purple tiger print, skinny jeans. My We The Kings shirt that reads, “I LOVE Red Heads” and my black with pink flamingos, slip on vans. (Not that it really matters what I was wearing, just thought I’d add that.)

I walk into Hot Topic with a rush of other kids. My stomach is doing flips. Why? You may ask. Do you remember my tales of the tall, thin, shiny black haired, clammy pale, cute guy in a pair of skinny jeans I told you about? I see him, staying calm (on the outside of course) I look up at the display of T-shirts. Walking towards the back of Hot Topic the guy with curly hair, David, recognizes me and says hello or, “Hey,” to be exact. I say hey right back to him with a friendly half smile.

Looking at the CD section I grab a copy of Chiodos’ Bone Palace Ballet. He comes closer. I’m squealing on the inside, relax Phoenixx, deep breaths. While I’m browsing records (nothing really strikes me) he comes over and asks, “Need help looking for a record?” It takes me a moment to reply, but I don’t stutter. “Um, no thanks.” as I flash him my Chiodos CD. I walk around the small cramped in space of Hot Topic, he walks near me.

Most of my time spent in Hot Topic is spent window shopping, having an undecided feeling on what I should or shouldn’t buy. Don’t you hate it when that happens?? I keep pacing through the store like always. He is still following me. Creepy? Maybe, could I say creepy in a good way? I notice he is wearing a green To Write Love On Her Arms T-shirt but of course skinny jeans, eyeliner? Yes. Whatever. It might be weird, but he is still very cute. My mother finds little Hello Kitty items for my younger sister’s upcoming birthday. She shows me Emily The Strange barrettes which are cute, though I’d rather not spend the eight dollars on. All of a sudden I feel a warmth rush to my face. Crap, I’m blushing. My ears and cheeks are a shade of scarlet, like I said, he might be Edward Cullen after all.

I spy a Joker shirt. It is gray and has his makeup smeared face on it and his hand in which he is holding a card that has Batman on it. Wandering over to a Watchmen jacket. I check the price, $ 48.00 dollars, ouch! Maybe another time. (While wandering I found out my favorite HT guy was named Eli.) I finally settle on the Chiodos Bone Palace Ballet: Grand Coda album and two strings of Zotz (watermelon and apple, yum!). David and a girl I do not recognize are up at the counter. David leaves and Eli comes to the counter. I go over to his side of the line, joyful. Then the girl asks, “Next person in line?” Aw, crap. I am very bummed as the lucky girl who was behind me gets rung up by Eli. I pay for my sister’s Hello Kitty junk, Emily The Strange barrettes (I decided I’d wear them), and my Chiodos album with a twenty dollar bill.


Emo Is DEAD

December 30, 2008

I’m guessing most of you have heard the word “emo”. Yeah, yeah. Kids who wear really tight clothes and hate their life so much they cut themselves, right? Well I’m not quite sure I told you the guests at my house, Layla and Lacey, have an older sister named, well know what, I’ll just call her Libby for now. Libby is goth, yes. She is you know, kind of “hardcore” or whatever.

It was Christmas day and Libby was over downloading music onto her mp3 player. Libby says she wants me to hear this Aiden song called “We Sleep Forever”. We click on this video on YouTube. The song is in the background, but the slide is all pictures. Later on in the song we see all these girls with bloody wrists. You guessed it, “cutters”. The song is actually quite depressing if you think about it, really. “This razor blade was made for me.”, that stuff will stress me out, give me chills. Ask Libby, “What is with all this emo suicide stuff?” “I dunno.” she says. It’s quiet for a moment and then Libby speaks again, “I used to cut.” and she holds out her arm. I’d seen those scars on her arm the other day and thought, “Oh my god1” and then, “No, Phoenixx you’re just being silly, she probably slept on her arm funny.” That really brought me back to reality. Libby goes on, “Life pushes you to a point when you feel all this emotional pain so you want to feel something physical. So… you cut.” I can hear her voice shaking. I’m scared for her. I’ve always thought cutting and suicide to be so glamorous. In reality, it is not one bit. Then I reply to Libby, “I’d be to scared to cut.” Libby and I were quiet for a while and I then left to go upstairs. I finally find my mother, I pull her aside and tell her to met me back in my room. My mom arrives and I whisper, “Libby cuts.” a look of shock and grief reaches my mother’s face as it did for me also. “How does that make you feel?” she asks. I look up and say, “Oh, I don’t know. Scared?”

Lately the word “emo” scares me. I don’t want to hear them whine and complain that their life sucks so much. Libby lives with an EXTREMELY strict father that has bolted all her drawers and her closet shut. Her mother, Abby, is a pysco and has not the slightest idea how to take care of children. I don’t want anyone to ever tell me their life sucks that bad unless it is like Libby’s situation or worse. Nor do I want to hear, “I’m so emo.” because I’ve had enough of that word.

If you or a friend or a loved one is cutting I am begging you to contact To Write Love On Her Arms at twloha.com. Because as Gerard Way has said, “Don’t piss your life away with suicide, it’s a bullshit way out.”


To Write Love On Her Arms

November 28, 2008

This is a To Write Love On Her Arms inspired poem of mine. To Write Love On Her Arms is a foundation that helps males and females who are depressed and or self inflicting and seeking help. The foundation was started to help a friend and turned out to be a pretty big deal. Merchandise and books are sold on their websites and any local Hot Topic. The founder, Jamie Tworkowski goes on tours raising awareness for the situation. I am not one to self inflict, this is a message to those who do.

 

A pretty scar

A puddle of blood

A razor blade

Deeper

You are thinking

Adrenaline rush

Feels good for a moment

You don’t need this

Not this weight

On your shoulders

Don’t take it out

On your arm

No need

To bleed it out

Yet you are loving

Every minute

Hating every second

You don’t need this

“All you need is love

Love

Love

Love is all you need” -lyric by The Beatles

LOVE IS THE MOVEMENT